I wrote this article 19 months ago. As I go into the Southern California Dressage Championships with my horse, I find that I need to revisit it. It is a noteworthy reminder for all of us.

Do or do not ... there is no try. Famous words from Yoda of Star Wars fame. I used to think I knew what that meant until I had my Listerine moment. What the heck is a Listerine moment, you ask?

I’ve always struggled opening “child-proof” Listerine bottle tops…or any bottle top for that matter. I’ve harbored this perception that I'm a physically weak person, until two months ago. I believed that I couldn’t get any jar or bottle open or safely pick up heavy items. To make matters worse, I’ve been a classical dressage rider for 14 years. That’s where the rider literally “dances” with the horse. It takes a lot of strength to sit up there and, through subtle movements, make a 1,300-pound horse do whatever you ask. And, in some instances, the strength difficulty factor blocked me from progressing.

So what happened to change that?

Simple, I had my Listerine moment. I was standing at the bathroom sink staring at the Listerine bottle. I took a deep breath, grabbed the top, pushed in the tabs on each side and twisted. Nothing. Suddenly it hit me. I’m trying, not doing. I can do this. Push past the initial resistance and open the damn bottle.

I shook my head and took a step backward. Then I marched forward, picked up the bottle, pushed and twisted the cap and off it came! The light bulbs exploded in my head. My mind had been holding my body back.

It didn’t stop there. I applied it to everything I’ve been doing. Those difficult dressage movements were mastered. Peanut butter jars were a piece of cake. I picked up heavy-duty items I had often not even attempted. The list goes on.

While my Listerine moment was applicable to my physical strength, yours might be something different. A project you can’t push through? Something you’ve always wanted to try but been afraid to attempt? Meeting that special person?

Whatever it is, just remember this simple rule: You can if you believe you can! 

Until next time!

Do they:

• think they are “weak?”
• surround themselves with people who either act like or think they are losers?
• blame everyone else for their situations and don’t take responsibility?
• let others control their destiny?

I played the victim until I was about 30. I embraced all the characteristics described above. But then I decided to take back my life.

Here are the steps I took to rid myself of playing the victim once and for all.

Step 1 is to understand that strength comes from belief in self. Once we start to believe that we can accomplish a variety of tasks, that belief starts to come to us and that self-label of being weak dissipates.

Step 2 is distancing ourselves from losers – pick winners – people who make us feel better about ourselves when we are with them. The only reason we pick losers in the first place is that deep down we know we are better than they and actually feel superior to them – even when they are tearing us down!

Step 3 - Blaming other people is just avoiding responsibility – take responsibility for everything in your life. Own that responsibility. Realize that we are responsible for what happens to us. Face it; don’t avoid it. Meet life head on. Every time you blame someone else, turn it around and think what your responsibility is in what happened. It could range from what you did to set up the circumstance to how you let someone else set you up for the blame!

Step 4 - Don’t let anyone else make choices for you. Take responsibility for those choices! Deal with the outcome, no matter what. If it’s a mistake, correct it … it’s not making the mistakes that counts, only how we deal with the mistakes, correct them and move on that matters.

Other Symptoms of “Self-Victimization”

• Thinking we are unworthy of a better life.
• Always taking the easy way out.
• Living in a constant pity party or sad state.

To feel worthy, you have to let go of the past. Face it; understand that it was the past. Don’t keep living in it. If you hold onto it – to what you used to be or what happened to you, you just keep living in the past and never the present. Living in the past simply holds us back from succeeding in the present. Most people don’t even get that they are totally living in the past.

Don’t make a choice because it’s easy. Gather all the information available to you and make the decisions that are reasonably going to have the best outcome for you and those you love. Don’t run away from the difficult choices you have to make.

And know that YOU define WHO you are – if you live in a sad state, you’ll remain there. You can surround yourself with pity and all that does is hold you back. How can you move forward with your life if all you do is feel sorry for yourself?  For example, a friend of mine was in a tragic car accident and was disfigured. She examined how she had emphasized her self-worth as her beauty all her life. One she faced the fact that her outer beauty was gone, she began to face what she truly was about as a person – and that worth was what is inside her. From there she was able to build her life back – not emphasizing outer beauty but inner worth. And she’s a truly beautiful person.

More Concrete Examples

Let’s take me for instance. I was a fat kid with a controlling mother in a dysfunctional family. I went through all the childhood humiliation and trauma of having a hormonal imbalance that I eventually got under control. But because of it, I was obsessed with my appearance. I was attracted to the wrong kind of men. I was insecure and had no self-worth. Even when good men were attracted to me, I pushed them away in favor of the other type. I married an abusive alcoholic husband who raped me and almost murdered me. He took my son away from me, and after we were divorced I was so very fragile – exhibiting all of the symptoms I outlined previously. But the last time he abused me before I left him for good, something happened to me. I realized that I was the one that had gotten myself into this situation. I was the one keeping myself in this abusive cycle. I started to apply all the solutions that I talked about a little at a time. First, I gathered the courage to leave – no matter what the consequences. I didn’t have time to think every detail through. I got help from my father and just did it. I made a hard choice and stuck to it – it was my decision. I was controlling my destiny.

Then, I started by surrounding myself with winners. That’s how I met my husband Mark. He recognized what a damaged person I was and gave me a “safe place” to be with him. Mark was so consistent with me. He 1) always meant what he said; 2) did what he said he was going to do; 3) told me if something needed to change and why; 4) was even-tempered; 5) interjected laughter into my life to smooth out the rough times.

Next, because I felt safe, I could start to re-invent myself. It started with small things like going to a department store and actually making a choice on a piece of clothing in one or two minutes instead of the usual several hours it would take. I would give myself a time limit and make the decision. This helped me to overcome my insecure nature.

Or, instead of going to a party and sitting in a corner alone or only talking to people I knew, I would force myself to go up and talk to people I didn’t know. I started by asking them to tell me about themselves, and, naturally, we would both look for common grounds of interest. I joined associations that forced me to meet new people. This helped me to overcome my feeling of unworthiness and gain self-assurance.

Then, I started applying for jobs outside my comfort zone and getting them. I became a publisher.  I had success with that. I started winning awards. Again, goes back to self-esteem.

And a little later on, because I thought I was a weak person; I decided to try riding horses. Riding horses takes a great deal of mental, emotional and physical strength. I started taking lessons and got good enough to ride competitively. I took every aspect and started applying it.

How Long Did Re-Invention Take?

I was 30 years old, and I started turning around as soon as I took these 3 action steps:

• When I pushed away losers and started surrounding myself with winners.
• When I started actively working to build my self-esteem.
• When I stopped blaming other people for my life and started taking responsibility for everything. I even take the blame when it is someone else’s fault to save a bad situation! I can’t tell you how many friends that makes for me!

 But, it’s not something you just do and you are done with. It’s a life-long process but it is better than the alternative.

What Do People who Love You Need to Know so They Can Help You?

Understand that this person is fragile and needs a safe space to recover. Be consistent with them. Provide rational, logical reactions and behavior to them. Give them small challenges, a little at a time to accomplish. Applaud and support their decisions and victories. Realize that they may be terrified to be held down or restrained in any way. With me, being held down or restrained took me immediately back to moments of rape and abuse. And best of all, just love them and tell them that you love them.

Can Everyone Survive Their Past?

Everyone has the ability to survive their past; they just need one tool and the conviction to do it. The tool is simply facing the past. Examine it, talk about it in great detail and then let it go. That’s what Tina Turner did. That’s what Oprah Winfrey did. That’s what I did.  Here are some steps to take:

• Seek out a life coach, a therapist or an intelligent friend that you respect who has always given you good advice.
• Talk about the pain in your past – all the pain.
• Plan to do this over several sessions.
• Pour your heart out – cry, be angry. Don’t leave anything out.
• Once you have cleansed yourself of it – let it go – forget it. Realize that it should never control you.
• The final step for me was writing my memoir, Riding Through It.

 
Why Did I Write such a Candid Book about My Young Life?

I had a lot of encouragement to share my story from my family and my best friend. In many ways I felt that part of my purpose in this life was to share my story so that I could help other women – I believe there was divine inspiration going on. If I can help one other woman with this book, then it will have all been worth it. When we open ourselves up, bare our souls to other people, trust is established. If you trust someone, you will open up to them, and seek guidance and help. I hope I can be that inspiration for others.

Riding Through It Is Free on This Website

If my story is of interest to you, it is yours free. Simply go to  http://www.carolmckibben.com/free-ebook.html.

Til Next Time!

Carol

I know this will seem like a blatant promotion to many of you, but I just read Christoph Fischer's review of my memoir published in 2007. I've never had anyone "get" what I was trying to say as beautifully as Christoph does.

Why am I sharing this with you? Because there are so many people out there who carry pain with them every day to the point that they can't live in the present because they are so hooked on the past. And, because if you want to change your life, you must make a conscious decision to do so, and do it yourself. No one else can do it for  you.

I didn't write this book to be a commercial success. Never thought it would be. Just a personal story told openly and without shame in the small hope that it might someday help one other person.

So, if Christoph's review encourages you to read Riding Through It, I hope it helps you. At any rate, just know that you aren't alone out there.

Christoph gave the book a 5-Star Review on Goodreads. Thank you, Christoph, for having an open heart. Here it is:

"Riding Through it: A Memoir" by Carol McKibben is a moving, captivating and impressive memoir. It tells the story of a woman who experienced violence and conflict more than love and affection from a very early age onwards. Her family and her experiences with the other sex form the basis for an unhappy life until the author learns how to transform her life and turn it around.

It is inspiring to read this raw and honest account of a tragic life and see how concepts, such as positive manifestation and projection, manage to change the woman's perspective and perception of her life and enable her to come out at the other end happy and sane.

McKibben does an excellent job at portraying the naivety of her younger self with a voice that shows the magnitude of her hurt and pain but she does not stop to lick her wound to get our sympathy. She keeps going to the next chapter in her life, 'riding through it' until the moment of redemption, salvation and resolve.

To me it is this accomplished balance and hitting just the right tone that makes this book so distinct from lesser books in the genre. Highly recommended." -Christoph Fischer

Til Next time,
Carol

His name is Aramis, and he’s my dancing partner. I’ve had three dressage partners in my life – Binkie van het Oosterland, a Friesian that was on this earth with me for only two wonderful years; Fergy, a Dutch Warmblood who was my best girl for 13 years and now Aramis, a talented Friesian who has taken me to a whole other level in the past four years.

It is amazing what they have taught me, and it has carried over into all aspects of my work and personal life. What have I learned? Patience, persistence, strength, the ability to ride through the rough times, devotion and true responsibility.

Patience and Persistence

When I began riding classical dressage, I was the most impatient person I knew. I wanted things to happen “right now,” never later. I learned that patience and persistence breeds success. In today’s world, where everything moves so fast, I’ve learned that it is better to slow down, think things through carefully and apply each lesson to the task at hand. That old adage, “Slow and steady wins the race,” isn’t false. Impatience caused me to make mistakes and spend more time at something because I was inefficient. Being efficient in business saves both time and money, but one can’t be efficient without learning from mistakes.

Strength

I’ve said it before. I used to see myself as a weak person. When faced with something that took physical strength, I would just give up immediately. But that cannot happen in dressage and riding a horse. A rider has to apply core strength to supply the aids from the seat and legs to move a 1,300-pound horse around while appearing to barely move. The belief that I was weak got me in a lot of trouble in this area. Can you spell “failure?” One day, while trying to open up a baby-proof cap on a Listerine bottle, I realized that, once again, I was giving up before I even got started. I summoned all my strength and opened the damned thing. This was something I was not only doing in my riding, but in my life! So, I started opening that imaginary Listerine bottle cap every time I needed strength. Can you imagine the success that has evolved from that – not just in my riding but in every aspect of my life?

Riding Through It

Horse trainers use an expression when a client’s ride becomes difficult – “keep riding through it!” I’ve heard it a hundred times while riding my horse. Riding through it is a function of good horsemanship. If you give up or get off in the midst of difficulties, you might win the battle that day but lose the war in the long run. Learning to be really good at something takes time and the ability to hang on during the tough times. Such it is with life. Think about it!

Devotion and True Responsibility

The responsibility of owning an animal is one that many people take lightly. The way they handle it shows me the level of devotion to which they will commit to anything. It takes true responsibility, in the good times, bad times, during sickness and even when we are short on cash, to make it happen. But devotion means remaining responsible at all times and doing what is right for that animal. Too many people are willing to discard an animal, which is totally dependent upon them, when it doesn’t suit their needs anymore. I wonder what will happen when their friends or life partners don’t suit their needs. Don’t think it is the same thing? You would be wrong.

Binkie and Fergy are gone now, but the lessons rhey taught me, combined with my ongoing lessons from Aramis, are gifts that I treasure.

Action Item: Tell me what your animals have taught you.

I re-read the epilogue of my first book a few days ago and wanted to share it with you. It's really worth repeating. It's deeply personal, so if you don't go in for that kind of stuff, stop reading now. If you do, please feel free to share it, if you feel so inclined.

The sum of my years is divided into three distinctively different lives. My childhood was a kaleidoscope of two people who didn’t know how to love each other. As a result, I grew up not knowing how to love, or what love really meant.

My life with my first husband was one of confusion and weakness. I didn’t understand how everything could be better if I would only take control of my life, be responsible for it and believe in myself. Everything changed when I finally did.

In the third part of my life, the best part, I found a strength I didn’t know I had. I discovered a self-respect that emerged when I released my past and started living in the present without fear.

Mark helped me to do that, but I realize now that when he came into my life I had already started taking control and so I was able to let him into my life. I’m no longer that little fat girl who grew up to have an obsession about her body. It took persistence and time, and even though I still have bumps, I keep riding through them.

About 15 years ago I took up riding again. It was something I had loved in my childhood, but it was also a big challenge. Training with a horse takes a lot of time, discipline and hard work. You learn to keep trying even when you’re having a bad day, and you learn to hang on tight with your legs when the horse is giving you trouble. And, if you fall off, the old saying is true. You have to get right back on again.

It’s easy to give up when things get tough. The hard part is sticking with it to the end. Looking back at it all, I realize that I rode through the difficult parts of my life, stayed on and didn’t let them get the best of me.

When we let go of what other people expect from us and learn to love who we are, then we can live without fear and can make the needed changes in our lives. I didn’t do it alone, and you don’t have to either. But the key is to surround yourself with people who love you for who you are. For those of you out there in life’s saddle, hanging on for dear life, just keep riding through it.

Famous words from Yoda of Star Wars fame. I used to think I knew what that meant until I had my Listerine moment. What the heck is a Listerine moment, you ask?

I’ve always struggled opening “child-proof” Listerine bottle tops…or any bottle top for that matter. I’ve harbored this perception that I'm a physically weak person, until two months ago. I believed that I couldn’t get any jar or bottle open or safely pick up heavy items. To make matters worse, I’ve been a classical dressage rider for 14 years. That’s where the rider literally “dances” with the horse. It takes a lot of strength to sit up there and, through subtle movements, make a 1,300-pound horse do whatever you ask. And, in some instances, the strength difficulty factor blocked me from progressing.

So what happened to change that?

Simple, I had my Listerine moment. I was standing at the bathroom sink staring at the Listerine bottle. I took a deep breath, grabbed the top, pushed in the tabs on each side and twisted. Nothing. Suddenly it hit me. I’m trying, not doing. I can do this. Push past the initial resistance and open the damn bottle.

I shook my head and took a step backward. Then I marched forward, picked up the bottle, pushed and twisted the cap and off it came! The light bulbs exploded in my head. My mind had been holding my body back.

It didn’t stop there. I applied it to everything I’ve been doing. Those difficult dressage movements were mastered. Peanut butter jars were a piece of cake. I picked up heavy-duty items I had often not even attempted. The list goes on.

While my Listerine moment was applicable to my physical strength, yours might be something different. A project you can’t push through? Something you’ve always wanted to try but been afraid to attempt? Meeting that special person?

Whatever it is, just remember this simple rule: You can if you believe you can! 

Until next time!