What if your husband comes home one day and says, “Honey, I lost my job. We can no longer live in this beautiful home, keep your Lexus or your Nordstrom card.” How do you react? Will you still love and be devoted to him?

What if you buy something that your husband doesn’t think you can afford, hide it and then he finds out about it? Will he still love and support you anyway? Or divorce you?

What if your wife/husband is diagnosed with  cancer? Will you love and support or leave? (See earlier blog on this subject.)

What if your spouse is trim and fit when you marry but changes for whatever reason over time. Do you still love and support?

Loving unconditionally means not placing your conditions or expectations on other people and only loving them if they meet those expectations or conditions.

It’s very God-like, isn’t it? Very dog-like. Do you find it interesting that DOG is GOD spelled backwards? Are dogs a living example of how we should love each other? Do you believe they were put here for that purpose? They love us, no matter what.

In Luke’s Tale, Luke is Ashlundt’s constant companion, aiding the man to come to grips with his loved one’s illness. Then, later, he is Sara’s constant companion after another tragedy strikes. He is there for his loved ones through all their disillusionment and misfortune. I know whenever I am sick or stressed, the real Luke, and now my current dogs, just snuggle up next to me. Just knowing that they are there for me makes all the difference in the world.

Often times when tragedy strikes our friends or family members, we don’t know what to do. The simple answer is to just be present for them. And love them. Words really aren't necessary.

It is important for all of us to think about how we subconsciously put conditions on each other. How other than what I’ve outlined earlier do we do this? Do we blame each other for tragic events in our lives? Do we try to work out problems or just leave them behind?

Not one of us is perfect. We have flaws and make mistakes, and loving someone means being willing to stick through the ups and downs, the good and the bad. I’m not advocating that we stand by someone abusive …  not at all. That’s not what I mean by unconditional love. But if someone is worthy of your love in the beginning, they should be worthy of your love in the end.

To grab a copy of Luke's Tale, click here.

Til Next Time,
Carol

Do they:

• think they are “weak?”
• surround themselves with people who either act like or think they are losers?
• blame everyone else for their situations and don’t take responsibility?
• let others control their destiny?

I played the victim until I was about 30. I embraced all the characteristics described above. But then I decided to take back my life.

Here are the steps I took to rid myself of playing the victim once and for all.

Step 1 is to understand that strength comes from belief in self. Once we start to believe that we can accomplish a variety of tasks, that belief starts to come to us and that self-label of being weak dissipates.

Step 2 is distancing ourselves from losers – pick winners – people who make us feel better about ourselves when we are with them. The only reason we pick losers in the first place is that deep down we know we are better than they and actually feel superior to them – even when they are tearing us down!

Step 3 - Blaming other people is just avoiding responsibility – take responsibility for everything in your life. Own that responsibility. Realize that we are responsible for what happens to us. Face it; don’t avoid it. Meet life head on. Every time you blame someone else, turn it around and think what your responsibility is in what happened. It could range from what you did to set up the circumstance to how you let someone else set you up for the blame!

Step 4 - Don’t let anyone else make choices for you. Take responsibility for those choices! Deal with the outcome, no matter what. If it’s a mistake, correct it … it’s not making the mistakes that counts, only how we deal with the mistakes, correct them and move on that matters.

Other Symptoms of “Self-Victimization”

• Thinking we are unworthy of a better life.
• Always taking the easy way out.
• Living in a constant pity party or sad state.

To feel worthy, you have to let go of the past. Face it; understand that it was the past. Don’t keep living in it. If you hold onto it – to what you used to be or what happened to you, you just keep living in the past and never the present. Living in the past simply holds us back from succeeding in the present. Most people don’t even get that they are totally living in the past.

Don’t make a choice because it’s easy. Gather all the information available to you and make the decisions that are reasonably going to have the best outcome for you and those you love. Don’t run away from the difficult choices you have to make.

And know that YOU define WHO you are – if you live in a sad state, you’ll remain there. You can surround yourself with pity and all that does is hold you back. How can you move forward with your life if all you do is feel sorry for yourself?  For example, a friend of mine was in a tragic car accident and was disfigured. She examined how she had emphasized her self-worth as her beauty all her life. One she faced the fact that her outer beauty was gone, she began to face what she truly was about as a person – and that worth was what is inside her. From there she was able to build her life back – not emphasizing outer beauty but inner worth. And she’s a truly beautiful person.

More Concrete Examples

Let’s take me for instance. I was a fat kid with a controlling mother in a dysfunctional family. I went through all the childhood humiliation and trauma of having a hormonal imbalance that I eventually got under control. But because of it, I was obsessed with my appearance. I was attracted to the wrong kind of men. I was insecure and had no self-worth. Even when good men were attracted to me, I pushed them away in favor of the other type. I married an abusive alcoholic husband who raped me and almost murdered me. He took my son away from me, and after we were divorced I was so very fragile – exhibiting all of the symptoms I outlined previously. But the last time he abused me before I left him for good, something happened to me. I realized that I was the one that had gotten myself into this situation. I was the one keeping myself in this abusive cycle. I started to apply all the solutions that I talked about a little at a time. First, I gathered the courage to leave – no matter what the consequences. I didn’t have time to think every detail through. I got help from my father and just did it. I made a hard choice and stuck to it – it was my decision. I was controlling my destiny.

Then, I started by surrounding myself with winners. That’s how I met my husband Mark. He recognized what a damaged person I was and gave me a “safe place” to be with him. Mark was so consistent with me. He 1) always meant what he said; 2) did what he said he was going to do; 3) told me if something needed to change and why; 4) was even-tempered; 5) interjected laughter into my life to smooth out the rough times.

Next, because I felt safe, I could start to re-invent myself. It started with small things like going to a department store and actually making a choice on a piece of clothing in one or two minutes instead of the usual several hours it would take. I would give myself a time limit and make the decision. This helped me to overcome my insecure nature.

Or, instead of going to a party and sitting in a corner alone or only talking to people I knew, I would force myself to go up and talk to people I didn’t know. I started by asking them to tell me about themselves, and, naturally, we would both look for common grounds of interest. I joined associations that forced me to meet new people. This helped me to overcome my feeling of unworthiness and gain self-assurance.

Then, I started applying for jobs outside my comfort zone and getting them. I became a publisher.  I had success with that. I started winning awards. Again, goes back to self-esteem.

And a little later on, because I thought I was a weak person; I decided to try riding horses. Riding horses takes a great deal of mental, emotional and physical strength. I started taking lessons and got good enough to ride competitively. I took every aspect and started applying it.

How Long Did Re-Invention Take?

I was 30 years old, and I started turning around as soon as I took these 3 action steps:

• When I pushed away losers and started surrounding myself with winners.
• When I started actively working to build my self-esteem.
• When I stopped blaming other people for my life and started taking responsibility for everything. I even take the blame when it is someone else’s fault to save a bad situation! I can’t tell you how many friends that makes for me!

 But, it’s not something you just do and you are done with. It’s a life-long process but it is better than the alternative.

What Do People who Love You Need to Know so They Can Help You?

Understand that this person is fragile and needs a safe space to recover. Be consistent with them. Provide rational, logical reactions and behavior to them. Give them small challenges, a little at a time to accomplish. Applaud and support their decisions and victories. Realize that they may be terrified to be held down or restrained in any way. With me, being held down or restrained took me immediately back to moments of rape and abuse. And best of all, just love them and tell them that you love them.

Can Everyone Survive Their Past?

Everyone has the ability to survive their past; they just need one tool and the conviction to do it. The tool is simply facing the past. Examine it, talk about it in great detail and then let it go. That’s what Tina Turner did. That’s what Oprah Winfrey did. That’s what I did.  Here are some steps to take:

• Seek out a life coach, a therapist or an intelligent friend that you respect who has always given you good advice.
• Talk about the pain in your past – all the pain.
• Plan to do this over several sessions.
• Pour your heart out – cry, be angry. Don’t leave anything out.
• Once you have cleansed yourself of it – let it go – forget it. Realize that it should never control you.
• The final step for me was writing my memoir, Riding Through It.

 
Why Did I Write such a Candid Book about My Young Life?

I had a lot of encouragement to share my story from my family and my best friend. In many ways I felt that part of my purpose in this life was to share my story so that I could help other women – I believe there was divine inspiration going on. If I can help one other woman with this book, then it will have all been worth it. When we open ourselves up, bare our souls to other people, trust is established. If you trust someone, you will open up to them, and seek guidance and help. I hope I can be that inspiration for others.

Riding Through It Is Free on This Website

If my story is of interest to you, it is yours free. Simply go to  http://www.carolmckibben.com/free-ebook.html.

Til Next Time!

Carol

I read an interesting article by Dr. Judith Orloff and feel that its content important to share with you. If you have someone in your life – friend, boss, significant other or even a parent – who is a control freak, you will want to take this quiz.

• Does this person keep claiming to know what’s best for you?
• Do you typically have to do things his/her way?
• Is he so domineering that at times you feel suffocated?
• Do you feel like you’re held prisoner to this person’s rigid sense of order?
 
If you answer “yes” to 1-2 questions, it’s likely you’re dealing with a controller. Responding “yes” to all 3 suggests that a controller is violating our emotional freedom.

Use the following methods from Dr. Orloff’s best-seller, Emotional Freedom, to deal you’re your controller.

Pick Your Battles and Assert Your Needs

1. The secret to success is never try to control a controller
Speak up, but don’t tell them what to do. Be healthily assertive rather than controlling. Stay confident and refuse to play the victim. Most important, always take a consistent, targeted approach. Controllers are always looking for a power struggle, so try not to sweat the small stuff. Focus on high-priority issues that you really care about rather than bickering about putting the cap on the toothpaste.

2. Never make your self-worth dependent on them.
Don’t get caught in the trap of always trying to please your controller. Protect your sensitivity. Refrain from confiding your deepest feelings to someone who won’t cherish them.

3. Try the caring, direct approach
Use this with good friends or others who are responsive to feedback. For instance, if someone dominates conversations, sensitively say, “I appreciate your comments, but I’d like to express my opinions too.” The person may be unaware that he or she is monopolizing the discussion and will gladly change.

4. Set limits
If someone keeps telling you how to deal with something, politely say, “I value your advice, but I really want to work through this myself.” You may need to remind the controller several times, always in a kind, neutral tone. Repetition is key. Don’t expect instant miracles. Since controllers rarely give up easily, be patient. Respectfully reiterating your stance over days or weeks will slowly recondition negative communication patterns and redefine the terms of the relationship. If you reach an impasse, agree to disagree. Then make the subject off limits.

5. Size up the situation
If your boss is a controlling perfectionist--and you choose to stay--don’t keep thinking about what a rotten person he or she is or expect that person to change, Then operate within that reality check. For instance, if your boss instructs you how to complete a project, but you add a few good ideas of your own, realize this may or may not fly. If you non-defensively offer your reasoning about the additions, you’ll be more readily heard. However if your boss responds, “I didn’t say to do this. Please remove it,” you must defer because of the built-in status difference in the relationship. Putting your foot down--trying to control the controller---will only make work more stressful or get you fired.

According to Orloff, people who feel out of control tend to become controllers. Deep down, they’re afraid of falling apart, so they micromanage to bind anxiety. They might have had chaotic childhoods, alcoholic parents, or experienced early abandonment, making it hard to trust or relinquish control to others, or to a higher power. Some controllers have a machismo drive to be top dog in both business and personal matters--a mask for their feelings of inadequacy and lack of inner power. To assert territorial prowess, they may get right up in your face when they talk. Even if you take a few steps away, they’ll inch forward again into your space.

When you mindfully deal with control freaks, you can free yourself from their manipulations. Knowing how they operate will let you choose how to interact with them.

About Judith Orloff
Judith Orloff MD is a psychiatrist, intuitive healer, and NY Times bestselling author. Her latest national bestseller is The Ecstasy of Surrender: 12 Surprising Ways Letting Go Can Empower Your Life (Harmony Books, 2014). Dr. Orloff's other bestsellers are Emotional Freedom, Positive Energy, Guide to Intuitive Healing, and Second Sight. To learn more about Dr. Judith Orloff, visit: www.drjudithorloff.com

Til Next Time,

Carol

He was a four-month old puppy standing paralyzed in the middle of a busy intersection in a suburb of Los Angeles. Mark pulled over and stopped the oncoming cars so that the terrified puppy could safely cross and hide in some bushes near the sidewalk.

Grabbing kibble out of the back of his van, Mark cautiously approached the frightened and shaking pup. After 20 minutes of coaxing, the little one finally relented and carefully moved toward the chow that had been positioned in the middle of the sidewalk. Mark sat patiently on the edge of the walkway. Slowly, the little black pup edged its way to the food and devoured it quickly. Enough time for Mark to get a looped leash around him and scoop up the precious baby.

Calling me from his car, he reported that he had just found a stray and was on his way to the animal shelter to see if he had been reported lost. “He’s a beautiful puppy; looks purebred black Lab.”

Arriving home, he filled me in. The pup hadn’t been reported lost, and the shelter would hold him for 7 days before putting him up for adoption. Mark smiled at me when he admitted, “I paid for right of first refusal to red tag him if no one claims him.” We are both suckers for Labrador Retrievers, and we couldn’t let anything happen to this one. In Mark’s words, “He’s special.”

Seven days passed, and Mark noted three families waiting to adopt the little black lab he had rescued as he entered the shelter. He confidently walked to the desk, pulled out the receipt for the pup, and listened to the groans of others who had seen the puppy on the Web site and wanted him. After paying the fees and collecting the pup, he took him directly to the vet for an exam and to make an appointment for neutering as required. It was during the exam that the vet discovered that the pup had a very audible heart murmur and immediately diagnosed Aortic Valve Stenosis; his heart’s aortic value was narrow, preventing it from opening fully and obstructing blood flow from the heart and the rest of his body. At that time, there was no cure available for dogs. The cardiologist’s diagnosis: “He won’t live to be four years old.”

 Others might have taken him straight back to the pound. No way as far as we were concerned. We promptly named him Jar Jar Binks (Binks for short, and yes we are definitely Star Wars fans) and determined we’d give him a great life with whatever time we could have with him.

 Binks grew into a beautiful 80-lb. black lab. He couldn’t run and play and just be a dog. He could only get excited for short bursts and had to rest often. We soon discovered that when he would get too excited he would collapse, so we stocked up on oxygen bottles and taught him to not be afraid to stick his nose into the cup so we could revive him.

 A number of years passed, and I began to take him to the barn with me when I would go ride my horse. At first I thought it would be too much for him, but he reveled in it. The barn is his happy place, and he loves going there more than life itself. He’s actually my third barn dog. The first was my beloved Luke (my inspiration for Luke’s Tale.) Then, Simon, a yellow Lab rescue, went with me until we lost him to cancer.  So, Binks took up the calling.

 I can’t tell you enough what a joy it is to have a friend like Binks. His passion is my passion. He expresses his joy for what I do with my horse in every fiber of his being. He is my Velcro dog, always sticking by my side. He is lying next to me as I write this now. He is such a friend … always silent but so present-in-the moment with me. Isn’t that what friendship is all about?

 When I think about how fate brought him to us, I want to run out in the street and thank God and the universe for this gift. They said he wouldn’t live to be four. He’s seven and a half now. Is his condition worse? Yes, he’s slowed down quite a bit. We have him on a number of meds to keep him happy and comfortable. But my point is this … people and animals come into our lives for a reason. They may not be perfect; may have a drawback that may give us pause, but they have lessons to teach us. For me, all of my dogs have taught me the lessons of unconditional love, particularly Luke and Binks.

 Whenever I get impatient with the people in my life, I remember those lessons. I try to just be silent but so present-in-the-moment with them. After all, sometimes we just need to know that we are here for each other. Isn’t that what life is really about?

 Til Next Time,

Carol