I work with and avidly read John Daly's articles featured in Noozhawk, an online newspaper based in Santa Barbara, California. John currently has developed courses on life skills success for students that he teaches in both the Santa Barbara and Ventura County school systems.  Some time ago he wrote an article about abuse, and it has stayed with me.

One of the reasons I can't shake the article is that I am the friend about which he writes who was the victim of physical, mental and emotional abuse for more than a decade. As some of you know, I wrote a book about it entitled, Riding Through It.

So, this morning I decided to share John's original article with you. He gets at the heart of abuse, and I hope you agree that love has nothing to do with it. -Carol McKibben
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Many of you will look at the headline of this week’s column and think to yourself, “What does that have to do with etiquette?”

Etiquette is simply behavior. Abuse is an unacceptable behavior, and it is imperative that all of us put forth the effort to break the cycle of abuse when we see it. Not all but some abused become abusers. That is a cycle that our society should never tolerate.

Everyone deserves respect. And, in a relationship, each partner should be an equal. Physical, mental or emotional abuse, including neglect, should never come into play in any relationship.
I was shocked to learn that, according to a 2010 national survey, more men than women were victims of intimate partner physical violence. That’s right, more than 40 percent of severe physical violence was directed at men. And, men are more often the victim of psychological aggression.

Statistics also reveal that one in every four women will experience domestic violence in her lifetime. An estimated 1.3 million women are victims of physical assault by an intimate partner each year. And, historically, females have been most often victimized by someone they knew.

Females who are 20-24 years of age are at the greatest risk of nonfatal intimate partner violence. Even with these horrific statistics, the capper is that most cases of domestic violence are never reported to the police.

Physical Abuse
I teach my students that it is never Okay  to hit another person. It is never Okay to allow another person to physically abuse you, and that it is always the person who does the abusing who is to blame. Why? Because most people who are abused believe that they deserve this type of treatment.

Mental Abuse
Mental abuse comes in a variety of forms:

» Yelling (which is never a proper response)

» Giving the silent treatment (emotional and mental abuse) or neglect

» Demoralizing another for his or her beliefs or actions (which is NEVER acceptable). It is important for us to honor the decisions that our friends and family make.

Breaking the Abuse Cycle
The key to breaking the abuse cycle is “awareness.” The more that it is written and talked about, the more aware those suffering from abuse will become. Those who are abused or live in a home where abuse occurs need to discover that: 

» Love does not include abuse.

» If you have seen this at home, it does not make it acceptable.

» Abuse is not a cultural thing.

» Parents should never let their children think it is Okay.

» Abuse is wrong no matter WHAT!

For an Abused Person Reading This
A friend of mine was the victim of physical, mental and emotional abuse for more than a decade. She wrote out some advice she thought might be helpful from one who overcame an abusive relationship. This is what she offers:

» Know that you are a worthy human being. Stop living in the past. Those who do are still hiding behind past events and think they aren’t worthy of better than they have.

» Surround yourself with winners. Associate with those who make you feel positive about yourself, who help you believe that you “can if you think you can!”

» Don’t let anyone else rule your destiny. Take control of your life.

» Label yourself as STRONG, not weak. Believe in that strength. Know that you can do anything you set your heart and mind to do.

» Take responsibility for your past and current mistakes, and then leave them behind you like the useless baggage they are. Don’t blame anyone else for your past ... it’s all you, baby. 

» Stop living in a “poor little me” pity party. Get out of the doldrums and focus on what you want out of life.

» If you are like I was, stop always choosing the “easy way out,” which is sometimes the “do nothing” route. The easy road is rarely the right road. The bottom line? It’s all about attitude. You may not change the situation, but you can change your attitude about any and everything. When you do that, your situation will change.

For Your Information
» How to Help Someone Who Is Being Abused
» How to Help a Friend Who Is Being Abused
» Help a Loved One or Friend
» Recognizing, Preventing and Reporting Child Abuse

— John Daly is the founder and president of The Key Class, the go-to guide for good manners and job search success. Click to learn more about The Key Class, or to buy the book.  Follow John on Facebook and Twitter @johnjdalyjr. Do you have an etiquette question? ASK John at [email protected].


Please take our words to heart.

Til Next Time,
Carol

How many women have been in a relationship that suddenly turned cold? Did you think everything was perfect before it wasn’t?  Whether you were in the throes of a budding relationship that felt like you had found “Mr. Right,” or even if you were in a happy marriage that turned sour, did you know that it’s because there is a big difference between how men and women think?

That’s probably not news to you, but do you know why a happy relationship suddenly turns cold? I didn’t either until it happened to me. And, I’ve been married since 1974!

No, my marriage didn’t end, because I was fortunate to figure out why my husband went from completely loving to distant, moody and sometimes openly avoiding me!

Any marriage, even the best of relationships, has its ups and downs. Ours happened when the economy dumped and things got financially difficult for us. Yes, most of us have been there and done that! And that’s when I caught myself being critical. Certain words or phrases or my tone of voice would send Mark into a distant mood. And during this time period, it hit me. Men want to be respected and admired, even more than loved.  Years later, James Bauer, a relationship coach and student of psychology, has completed research showing that when given the choice between being unloved but respected that most men will choose that over being loved but disrespected. Interesting, right?

What did I do? I changed my attitude for one thing. I started to show Mark my respect for him. I became careful about how I worded things when we were having serious conversations. I kept my tone of voice more upbeat and not critical. And his mood changed significantly, and almost immediately. Our relationship became stronger than ever before, and all with just a few simple changes from me.

Now, some of you might be thinking, “Why should the heavy lifting have to be on the female?” Well, when hasn’t it been, ladies? Consider this, women have always been the glue that holds any relationship together. That’s our lot in life. Do you think that isn’t fair? Think again. It’s pretty much the way it is!

James Bauer calls it “The Respect Principle” and has written a short digital download entitled What Men Secretly Want but Won’t Tell You. He provides a free presentation at the link I’ve provided, and it’s worth the time to watch, even if you don’t purchase his download for $47! It provides great insight, and definitely will make you stop and think about your relationships – both present and past.

Honestly, when you think about it, “respect” is such a key to a great relationship. And, if you can make a few simple changes to safeguard a relationship, why would you?

Til Next Time,
Carol

P.S. I have no attachment to James Bauer’s research or offerings. I just want to share whatever will help all of us maintain unconditional love for each other!

Til Next Time and Unconditionally Yours,
Carol

I was watching my dog Thor this morning. He’s a puppy still and filled with abundant energy. However, my schedule requires him to wait patiently while I go through my daily routine of prepping for work and then working.

As I sat sipping my morning tea on the sofa with him, I could see the sadness in his eyes. He knew he had to wait, but he wasn’t happy about it. Then, at noon, when I take a lunch break, it’s play time. We go out by the pool, and he chases the ball, dives in after it and is filled with the most overwhelming joy. It seems almost a crime to make him wait.
I understand because in the past I was one of the most impatient people in the world. And then I got Fergy. Fergy was supposed to be my school master for dressage training. Unfortunately, after having her with me for two weeks, she started having all kinds of problems. A hormonal imbalance that took six months to overcome, then just as we were getting back in the groove, lameness occurred, and it never really went away. I was beside myself, wanting her to heal so we could get back at it. And then it dawned on me that she came into my life to teach me not only patience, but the value of loving another creature for who she is today. Not what she could be or what she should be; just who she is.

I think that really is what patience means. Living in the moment.  Rejoicing in the small victories, like Thor’s daily poolside romp. Is that fair? No, life isn’t fair. But, we have to learn to adjust to new situations, make the best of what comes and learn to improve our situations.

Through long-term care and patience, and a great trainer, Fergy finally recovered enough for me to train on her. She even got back in the show arena. But, she was never the same. It didn’t matter. We reveled in the small victories. She lived with me for almost 13 years, and then she left me. Her heart just stopped, and she was gone. I think she knew she had accomplished her purpose.

You know, I could have continued to always be an impatient person. I’ve written about my forays of impatience before. But, I discovered that there’s a better way. Take what life deals you; take the consequences of your choices; take those situations and improve upon your life. Ranting and raving doesn’t change anything, Positive action does.

As for Thor, he’s learning how to bide his time for those moments of joy that we earn together. Honestly, I enjoy his happiness so much that we’re starting to have more and more of them. And, you know what? Those breaks make me better at my work, because I return to my desk refreshed and, yes, happy.

Til Next Time,
Carol

My friend Andrea Michaels asked me to write an article and share photos about my horse for her Good News Letter. I thought I'd share part of what I will send her with you today. And, it's definitely good news.

Last year, at the end of dressage show season, I made a decision. I didn't start riding until I was middle-aged, so the journey has been one filled with challenges. Basically, I've had to train my entire body to perform differently when I sit on my horse, Aramis. So, I am currently showing third level. However, Aramis is a very talented horse, and I didn't want to hold back his training. The decision I made was to have my trainer show him this year at the FEI levels. For non-horsey people, that's the top levels of dressage, really starting at fourth level and going through Prix St. Georges, Intermediaire I and II and Grand Prix (which is shown in the Olympics.) Each level is more difficult to ride. I'm just not there yet, but my trainer, Pam Wangenheim Hawkins, shows Grand Prix.

This meant a lot of hard work for both of them. He already had fourth level down, so during the off-season they trained for Prix Saint Georges. Soon they started showing at that level very successfully. And, in the meantime, I showed third level with him whenever they weren't showing Prix St. George. They went to championships and ended up in the top five. But the problem has always been that he is a Friesian. There's nothing wrong with that. They are the most beautiful, loving, kind breed, but dressage judges and enthusiasts don't really consider them equal to the warmblood breed they prefer for dressage. The simple fact that Aramis can put in an amazing FEI test doesn't make a difference. Many judges consider Friesian conformation not suited for dressage.

Despite all his successes, Pam and I wanted to put him on a level playing field. Since he was qualified, we entered him into the International Friesian Show Horse Championships to see how he would stack up against his own breed in dressage. I knew in my heart that he  is a grand champion, and I wanted to prove it!

We went to the championship on September 30, 2015, and he competed with the world's finest. And... wait for it ... my horse Aramis is the World Friesian Grand Champion at Prix St. George! I couldn't be prouder of both Aramis and Pam.

What's my point? Am I just bragging? Well, maybe a little. But sincerely, when you love someone, whether they be human or animal, sometimes you have to step back, put your own goals on hold and let them shine. Believe it or not, Aramis is an overachiever, and he wants to shine. You can see it in his face whether he's training or showing. And believe me, that's a face to love. When you love another, you should do so unconditionally. Don't you think? 

As a side note: this experience gave Pam, my trainer, and my daughter, Stephanie, a chance to catch up after many years. It felt so good to see them having such a good time together. Two more faces for me to love!

Til Next Time,
Carol