I find myself feeling quite ill today. I have gone through the motions of work, but my creativity drained away as the hours ticked by.

Then, I came across this photo, and I knew what I needed to do for the rest of the day. I will surround myself with soulful eyes, warm fur and the silent love of my dogs. And then, I will be healed.

Til Next Time,
Carol

I love WebMD. I can find the answers to all sorts of problems on it. Today I was reading about the top relationship problems and what to do about them. I’m not including them all; just the ones with which I have had personal experience.

1.    Communication

This is the biggie. If you can’t communicate, you’re in big time trouble. Does your partner sit with you flipping through text, email or Facebook on the old cellphone? Mine does. Drives me nuts. And do you really think that watching TV is actually being together? Well, if you are exhausted and just want to press up against each other, cuddle and watch something you both enjoy, then more power to you. But, if you have truly lost the inability to communicate, here’s what WebMD suggests.

Problem-solving strategies:

• Make an actual appointment with each other. If you live together, put the cell phones on vibrate, put the kids to bed, and let voice mail pick up your calls.
• If you can't "communicate" without raising your voices, go to a public spot like the library, park, or restaurant where you'd be embarrassed if anyone saw you screaming.
• Set up some rules. Try not to interrupt until your partner is through speaking, or ban phrases such as "You always ..." or "You never ...."
• Use body language to show you're listening. Don’t doodle, look at your watch, or pick at your nails. Nod so the other person knows you're getting the message, and rephrase if you need to. For instance, say, "What I hear you saying is that you feel as though you have more chores at home, even though we're both working." If you're right, the other can confirm. If what the other person really meant was, "Hey, you're a slob and you create more work for me by having to pick up after you," he or she can say so, but in a nicer way.

2.    Money

My guy and I have been rich and we’ve been broke. Rich is better. Let’s face it, the economy since 2002 has been shaky. All of us have had it rough. It can cause stress and tension in both male and female. From my experience, it’s created a lot of stress. We’ve used or tried to deal with all of the strategies below.

Problem-solving strategies:

• Be honest about your current financial situation. If things have gone south, continuing the same lifestyle is unrealistic.
• Don't approach the subject in the heat of battle. Instead, set aside a time that is convenient and non-threatening for both of you.
• Acknowledge that one partner may be a saver and one a spender, understand there are benefits to both, and agree to learn from each other's tendencies.
• Don't hide income or debt. Bring financial documents, including a recent credit report, pay stubs, bank statements, insurance policies, debts, and investments to the table.
• Don't blame.
• Construct a joint budget that includes savings.
• Decide which person will be responsible for paying the monthly bills.
• Allow each person to have independence by setting aside money to be spent at his or her discretion.
• Decide upon short-term and long-term goals. It's OK to have individual goals, but you should have family goals, too.
• Talk about caring for your parents as they age and how to appropriately plan for their financial needs if needed.

3. Not Making Your Relationship a Priority

Honestly, I think a lot of us fall into this trap. It’s easy to do in a world where everyone has to work really hard just to make ends meet. But, it’s critical to try and keep the magic in your relationship.

Problem-solving strategies:

• Do the things you used to do when you were first dating: Show appreciation, compliment each other, contact each other through the day, and show interest in each other.
• Plan date nights. Schedule time together on the calendar just as you would any other important event in your life.
• Respect one another. Say "thank you," and "I appreciate..." It lets your partner know that he or she matters.
  

4.    Conflict

Groundhog Day with Bill Murray is one of our favorite movies. But, no one wants to live the same thing over and over again. Particularly where conflict is involved. When there is conflict, use the strategies below to resolve it.

Problem-solving strategies:

• Realize you are not a victim. It is your choice whether you react and how you react.
• Be honest with yourself. When you're in the midst of an argument, are your comments geared toward resolving the conflict, or are you looking for payback? If your comments are blaming and hurtful, it's best to take a deep breath and change your strategy.
• Change it up. If you continue to respond in the way that's brought you pain and unhappiness in the past, you can't expect a different result this time. Just one little shift can make a big difference. If you usually jump right in to defend yourself before your partner is finished speaking, hold off for a few moments. You'll be surprised at how such a small shift in tempo can change the whole tone of an argument.
• Give a little; get a lot. Apologize when you're wrong. Sure it's tough, but just try it and watch something wonderful happen.
• Remember that you are the one responsible for your behavior.

5.    Trust

This one is so much the key to everything else. Really. I was able to heal old wounds from another relationship because my husband created so much trust in our relationship. Pay careful attention to this.

Problem-solving strategies:

You and your partner can develop trust in each other by following these tips.

• Be consistent.
• Be on time.
• Do what you say you will do.
• Don't lie -- not even little white lies to your partner or to others.
• Be fair, even in an argument.
• Be sensitive to the other's feelings. You can still disagree, but don't discount how your partner is feeling.
• Call when you say you will.
• Call to say you'll be home late.
• Carry your fair share of the workload.
• Don't overreact when things go wrong.
• Never say things you can't take back.
• Don't dig up old wounds.
• Respect your partner's boundaries.
• Don’t be jealous.
• Be a good listener.

Relationship by “mind-reading” doesn’t work. Always tell your partner specifically what you need.

Interject humor into your relationship. Don’t always take everything so seriously. Learn to relax with each other, joke with each other, and always be kind.

If you are willing to take a look at your relationship and what it needs on a periodic basis, it will remain healthy. Address the problems as they arise. Don’t sweep them under the rug. And, like I said in a previous article, don’t go to bed angry with each other! Always be prepared to take your fair share of a misunderstanding. Trust me, the grass isn’t always greener on the other side. Maintain that lawn, and it will always be beautiful.

Problem-solving strategies pulled from http://www.webmd.com/sex-relationships/guide/7-relationship-problems-how-solve-them.

 

It's 9/11, and I will never forget. It has been 13 years since the towers in New York City came crashing down. Can we ever forget the devastating loss of lives suffered that day in New York, at the Pentagon in Washington, D.C. or the field in Pennsylvania?

It breaks my heart to think that numerous loved ones will never have the chance to grow old together, watch their children grow up or their grandchildren being born. Like us, they will never have the chance to show their unconditional love to family and friends. They'll never have the chance to support loved ones during hard times or illness.  They'll never have the chance to take the good with the bad, give their loyalty and friendship to others.

But WE  have that chance. Never forget. Don't squander those chances. Don't let petty issues draw you away from those you love. Remember that  you have been given the chance to be here for those important in your life. Others have not.

So never forget how very fortunate you are, and make the most out of life by loving and being loved. Nothing else really matters, does it?

Til Next Time,
Carol

What if your husband comes home one day and says, “Honey, I lost my job. We can no longer live in this beautiful home, keep your Lexus or your Nordstrom card.” How do you react? Will you still love and be devoted to him?

What if you buy something that your husband doesn’t think you can afford, hide it and then he finds out about it? Will he still love and support you anyway? Or divorce you?

What if your wife/husband is diagnosed with  cancer? Will you love and support or leave? (See earlier blog on this subject.)

What if your spouse is trim and fit when you marry but changes for whatever reason over time. Do you still love and support?

Loving unconditionally means not placing your conditions or expectations on other people and only loving them if they meet those expectations or conditions.

It’s very God-like, isn’t it? Very dog-like. Do you find it interesting that DOG is GOD spelled backwards? Are dogs a living example of how we should love each other? Do you believe they were put here for that purpose? They love us, no matter what.

In Luke’s Tale, Luke is Ashlundt’s constant companion, aiding the man to come to grips with his loved one’s illness. Then, later, he is Sara’s constant companion after another tragedy strikes. He is there for his loved ones through all their disillusionment and misfortune. I know whenever I am sick or stressed, the real Luke, and now my current dogs, just snuggle up next to me. Just knowing that they are there for me makes all the difference in the world.

Often times when tragedy strikes our friends or family members, we don’t know what to do. The simple answer is to just be present for them. And love them. Words really aren't necessary.

It is important for all of us to think about how we subconsciously put conditions on each other. How other than what I’ve outlined earlier do we do this? Do we blame each other for tragic events in our lives? Do we try to work out problems or just leave them behind?

Not one of us is perfect. We have flaws and make mistakes, and loving someone means being willing to stick through the ups and downs, the good and the bad. I’m not advocating that we stand by someone abusive …  not at all. That’s not what I mean by unconditional love. But if someone is worthy of your love in the beginning, they should be worthy of your love in the end.

To grab a copy of Luke's Tale, click here.

Til Next Time,
Carol

He was a four-month old puppy standing paralyzed in the middle of a busy intersection in a suburb of Los Angeles. Mark pulled over and stopped the oncoming cars so that the terrified puppy could safely cross and hide in some bushes near the sidewalk.

Grabbing kibble out of the back of his van, Mark cautiously approached the frightened and shaking pup. After 20 minutes of coaxing, the little one finally relented and carefully moved toward the chow that had been positioned in the middle of the sidewalk. Mark sat patiently on the edge of the walkway. Slowly, the little black pup edged its way to the food and devoured it quickly. Enough time for Mark to get a looped leash around him and scoop up the precious baby.

Calling me from his car, he reported that he had just found a stray and was on his way to the animal shelter to see if he had been reported lost. “He’s a beautiful puppy; looks purebred black Lab.”

Arriving home, he filled me in. The pup hadn’t been reported lost, and the shelter would hold him for 7 days before putting him up for adoption. Mark smiled at me when he admitted, “I paid for right of first refusal to red tag him if no one claims him.” We are both suckers for Labrador Retrievers, and we couldn’t let anything happen to this one. In Mark’s words, “He’s special.”

Seven days passed, and Mark noted three families waiting to adopt the little black lab he had rescued as he entered the shelter. He confidently walked to the desk, pulled out the receipt for the pup, and listened to the groans of others who had seen the puppy on the Web site and wanted him. After paying the fees and collecting the pup, he took him directly to the vet for an exam and to make an appointment for neutering as required. It was during the exam that the vet discovered that the pup had a very audible heart murmur and immediately diagnosed Aortic Valve Stenosis; his heart’s aortic value was narrow, preventing it from opening fully and obstructing blood flow from the heart and the rest of his body. At that time, there was no cure available for dogs. The cardiologist’s diagnosis: “He won’t live to be four years old.”

 Others might have taken him straight back to the pound. No way as far as we were concerned. We promptly named him Jar Jar Binks (Binks for short, and yes we are definitely Star Wars fans) and determined we’d give him a great life with whatever time we could have with him.

 Binks grew into a beautiful 80-lb. black lab. He couldn’t run and play and just be a dog. He could only get excited for short bursts and had to rest often. We soon discovered that when he would get too excited he would collapse, so we stocked up on oxygen bottles and taught him to not be afraid to stick his nose into the cup so we could revive him.

 A number of years passed, and I began to take him to the barn with me when I would go ride my horse. At first I thought it would be too much for him, but he reveled in it. The barn is his happy place, and he loves going there more than life itself. He’s actually my third barn dog. The first was my beloved Luke (my inspiration for Luke’s Tale.) Then, Simon, a yellow Lab rescue, went with me until we lost him to cancer.  So, Binks took up the calling.

 I can’t tell you enough what a joy it is to have a friend like Binks. His passion is my passion. He expresses his joy for what I do with my horse in every fiber of his being. He is my Velcro dog, always sticking by my side. He is lying next to me as I write this now. He is such a friend … always silent but so present-in-the moment with me. Isn’t that what friendship is all about?

 When I think about how fate brought him to us, I want to run out in the street and thank God and the universe for this gift. They said he wouldn’t live to be four. He’s seven and a half now. Is his condition worse? Yes, he’s slowed down quite a bit. We have him on a number of meds to keep him happy and comfortable. But my point is this … people and animals come into our lives for a reason. They may not be perfect; may have a drawback that may give us pause, but they have lessons to teach us. For me, all of my dogs have taught me the lessons of unconditional love, particularly Luke and Binks.

 Whenever I get impatient with the people in my life, I remember those lessons. I try to just be silent but so present-in-the-moment with them. After all, sometimes we just need to know that we are here for each other. Isn’t that what life is really about?

 Til Next Time,

Carol

 

Three couples got married on June 26, 2005 at 11:00 a.m. in three different cities - Boston, Chicago and Los Angeles. They never met or interacted, yet their circumstances were eerily alike.

Ben and Marilyn
Ben and Marilyn met and fell in love in Boston. They promised to love each other in sickness and in health for as long as they both lived. Five years of blissful love passed. Ben managed a real estate firm with his dad, and Marilyn was a second grade school teacher. They loved each other beyond reason, but try as they might, they were unable to have the children they both so desperately wanted.  Going from doctor to doctor, Marilyn soon discovered she had ovarian cancer. Ben was devastated and took a leave from work to be by Marilyn's side through all the surgery, chemotherapy and pain through which she suffered. After a year of unending illness, Ben found it increasingly difficult to witness Marilyn's pain. So, he hired a live-in nurse to take care of Marilyn so that he could return to work. The nurse made it possible for him to spend long hours making up for lost time at work. He felt empty inside and longed to have the Marilyn he loved back in his life. Not the bald, critically ill woman who spent half her time being angry or ill. He soon started to notice the new, young employee that his dad had hired to help out around the office in Ben's absence, but he fought against the attraction.

Marilyn's illness worsened. The cancer was winning, and Ben couldn't bear it. Soon, he began to flirt with the young woman in his office. That led to drinks and dinner and finally an affair. It took his mind away from what he had lost and the anger he felt at Marilyn for getting sick. He knew it was unreasonable, but he couldn't help himself. As Marilyn worsened, Ben spent more time away from home. He was with his new mistress when Marilyn passed away with only her nurse and her parents by her side. And, when Ben learned of Marilyn's passing, he only felt relief and sorrow for himself.

Sam and Jane
Sam and Jane met and fell in love in Chicago. They promised to love each other in sickness and in health for as long as they both lived. Six years of being in love brought them closer and closer together. Even though Sam traveled for work as a pharmaceutical rep while Jane kept the home fires burning, the short separations only increased their desire to be together. When they decided it was time to have children, they both went in for tests to ensure they were both able to do so. It was during that time that her doctor discovered Jane had breast cancer. It was aggressive, and Jane was immediately scheduled for surgery. A complete mastectomy and chemotherapy and radiation followed. Sam hadn't handled the diagnosis or the treatment well. How could his beautiful Jane not be the perfect woman of his dreams? His road trips increased in frequency and duration, often leaving Jane's parents to care for her.

After a year of treatment, tests showed that the cancer had spread to Jane's bones, and the diagnosis was bleak.  Tortured by the diagnosis, Sam went out on a bender that night, leaving Jane to be consoled by her parents. When he returned home, Jane confronted him. She was afraid and alone and facing death. She knew when she looked into Sam's eyes that he was lost to her. "I can't stand to see you like this, Jane. The pain ... your beautiful body ruined ... this is too much for me to take."

Jane came to a decision in that moment. "If you can't be here for me as you promised at our wedding, then it is best that you leave now. If you can't love me for who I am now, then I don't want you here while I am dying."

Sam's only response was to nod his head, pack his bags and disappear. Jane died a month later surrounded by her loving parents.

Brad and Monica
Brad and Monica met and fell in love in Los Angeles. Brad was a set designer and Monica a production assistant at the same company. They promised to love each other in sickness and in health for as long as they both lived. After four years of marriage, they decided it was time to have children. Brad's career was going well, and he wanted Monica to stay home with the children they had both always wanted. They spent time traveling to romantic settings the following year, hoping it would result in pregnancy. When it didn't, they both went in to get tested. It was then that Monica was diagnosed with cervical cancer. They were both devastated to learn that not only did Monica have cancer but that the chances of her having children after the disease were extremely slim. But, they both faced it with a positive outlook. They would get through it all and adopt.

Instead of focusing on being angry about Monica's diagnosis, Brad became her biggest cheerleader. Sure, there were tough times, but working together they got through them. Brad balanced working and taking care of Monica beautifully. His energy was concentrated on getting her back to health. After 18 months of being cancer-free, adoption and their love for each other are their highest priorities.

Monica suffered just as much as Marilyn and Jane, but she had something neither of them had. She had Brad. His positive energy and unconditional love got her through the treatment, kept her positive and resulted in her being diagnosed cancer-free. It's amazing what the power of true unconditional love can do for another person.

Did Marilyn and Jane die because their husbands didn't love them unconditionally? Probably not, but don't you think that Ben and Sam would be able to live with themselves more easily if they had stuck by the women they promised to love until death?

Til Next Time,
Carol

I have written two books about it. Three if you count loving yourself unconditionally. I keep trying to show you what it is through the unselfish actions of the heroes (Luke’s Tale and Snow Blood) of my novels. And, in the case of Riding Through It, by learning to love yourself.

But, let me try to express it plainly. People often say to me that they think it means loving someone more than you love yourself. Perhaps that is true to an extent. But it is important to realize that loving yourself unconditionally plays a part in it as well.

Love Is an Action
First of all, love isn’t a feeling. It’s an action. When another person makes us feel a certain way, and then we stop getting that feeling, we change our behavior toward them. When we change our behavior to receive love, that love becomes conditional. The reward then becomes the feeling you get because you acted in a certain way for another person just to get the reward, the feeling. Some of us keep up this behavior just to get the reward – that feeling of being loved.  The other person has now put a “condition” on you so that you receive that feeling of love. Like Pavlov’s dog, you have been conditioned to behave in a certain way to receive the other person’s love.

Unconditional Love Involves the Most Loving Thing You Can Do for a Person in a Specific Moment
Unconditional love has no strict rules. It’s different for everyone. What you do for another person has to be determined on a case-by-case basis. It doesn’t mean shielding someone from pain because pain and diversity foster growth. Loving someone blindly, satisfying their every need and want or preventing them from experiencing pain doesn’t mean you are giving them unconditional love. This will only prevent them from growing as human beings.  Just consider the kindest, most loving thing you can do for another in that moment in time. If it is give the person space to be alone, then do so. If it is to sit with the person, hold hands and say nothing until he or she is ready to talk, then do so. If it is to get that person help because he or she is in trouble (even though that help may mean tough love at the moment), then do so. Just understand that you don’t want to put “conditions” on that person. (If you do this, then I will continue to love you.)

Unconditional Love Should Be Given Freely to Everyone, Especially Yourself.
That means that there will be times where loving yourself unconditionally and doing what is best for you will occasionally put you out of step with another.  (This goes back to not having conditions placed on yourself in order to be loved.)

“Love Means Never Having to Say You Are Sorry.” – Erich Segall
Famous words from a best-selling book and movie. While I think we should all apologize when we hurt someone else, it is best to let go of resentment and anger when someone causes us pain, even if the offending person doesn’t apologize. Being willing to forgive a mistake does not mean that you should let people walk all over you. How you act toward the offending person might vary, but your ability to love them unconditionally will become difficult if you hold on to negatives.

 The More You Love Unconditionally, the Easier it Becomes
When you do consciously provide unconditional love to another, you will feel positive and energized, not burdened. Think of it as being a good friend which in turn will make you feel better about yourself and encourage you to maintain that behavior unconsciously.

Til Next Time,
Carol

These "rules" are by no means original. And there's room for many more of them. I wanted to share them with you. They've helped me maintain a 40-year relationship with two children and multiple dogs and horses.

1. Say "I love  you" often.

2. Flirt and laugh together.

3. Communicate! If one of you  likes to play the turtle, then the other needs to pull him/her out of the shell.

4. Never stop dating.

5.Always compliment.

6. Listen, really listen.

7. Say "thank you."

8. Hug. Hold hands. Kiss.

9. RESPECT and encourage each other.

10. Never go to bed angry with each other. You'll be miserable if you do.

11. Don't bring up touchy topics that need longer discussions at bedtime. You'll be up all night!

12. Adverse to popular belief, don't marry someone thinking he/she will not change. They often do, and not in the way you might think. Don't be afraid to discuss your concerns, but do it in a loving, gentle way.

Remember to love each other without "conditions." Ride through the tough times. Know that things can and will change. They always do - both the bad and the good. If you make a commitment to a relationship, when it is tested, don't run away from it. Stick to it. It won't be easy. This isn't about easy. Commitments never are!

Til Next Time!
Carol

This amazing, touching story is now available at Amazon. It already has 14 5-star Reviews!

Time to Let Go is a contemporary family drama set in Britain. Following a traumatic incident at work Stewardess Hanna Korhonen decides to take time off work and leaves her home in London to spend quality time with her elderly parents in rural England. There she finds that neither can she run away from her problems, nor does her family provide the easy getaway place that she has hoped for. Her mother suffers from Alzheimers' disease and, while being confronted with the consequences of her issues at work, she and her entire family are forced to reassess their lives. The book takes a close look at family dynamics and at human nature in a time of a crisis. Their challenges, individual and shared, take the Korhonens on a journey of self-discovery and redemption.

Grab it today! Highly recommended!

Last week I featured Time to Let Go by Christoph Fischer. What I love about the entire topic is that it really does deal with loving others unconditionally. Specifically, it's about a family dealing with Alzheimers.

Most people I know have been touched by this dreaded disease in some way. I asked Christoph to describe his motivation for the book, and he sent me the following that I wanted to share with all of you.

From Christoph:
I grew up with only a few friends and with two older siblings who were miles ahead of me in their lives. My mother was a busy woman and so I spent a lot of time at my aunt’s house. She had always wanted to have four children but lost one child at birth. Her other three children were much older and didn’t need her much anymore, so my visits to her house filled a gap for her, in the same way as her attention to me filled a need in me. A match made in heaven.

Philomena, or Minna, as we called her, remained a source of happiness and encouragement throughout my life. I was always welcome and treated like a precious gift. She smoked, but she outlived both of her sisters (taken in their 40s  by cancer).

In her late 70s,  Minna was diagnosed with Alzheimers’ disease. Well, I thought, at least she lives, belittling her misfortune without much awareness.

The next time I saw her, her trademark happiness however seemed far away. She was crying bitterly because she had lost her hearing aid, a very expensive one, too. Suddenly her life seemed to revolve around retrieving things. She was spared the physical pain of her sisters, but she suffered severe mental torture.

She fortunately reached a happier stage as medication and care helped reduce the misery in her life, but the attention she needed was a huge toll to the family. Despite her memory loss, she seemed to vaguely recognize me; me, the ‘child’ that lived abroad and who rarely came to visit. She had not lost her warmth and happiness, or maybe she had just regained it after the bad patch I mentioned earlier.

Very recently I saw her again, almost unrecognizable: withdrawn, very unresponsive and almost reduced to basic functioning. Surprisingly, she could still read, and when I came to see her for a second time her eyes shone as if she did recognize me. I spoke an emotional goodbye to her, and her hand was shaky and excited as she listened to my speech. She even responded by talking, using words that didn’t fit exactly but which expressed an emotion similar to what one would expect from a loving aunt in such a situation.

With her loving kindness in mind, I created Biddy, the mother in Time to let Go, a selfless, giving woman, who even in her illness manages to show her innate kindness.  I know it would be wrong to praise her for a gift that many other patients do not have, through no fault of their own. Losing one’s memory and control of one’s life is a terrible thing that you can only understand when it happens to you.

Time to Let Go is partly meant as a tribute to my brave aunt and to the wonderful people who help in making her life dignified and as happy as is possible.
*****
Time to Let Go will be out in May, and I'll let you know as soon as it is available. An admirable book for anyone to read, but especially worthwhile for those dealing with a serious illness of a loved one.

Til Next Time,
Carol