How can you tell at the beginning of a relationship if the other person is being genuine with you? How can you determine if that person is “being himself or herself?”
Oftentimes, body language will tell you more than words. Does the person look you in the eye when talking to you? When you ask the person his or her opinion or to do something for you, does that person seem evasive and “walk around the issue?”

The following tips have always worked for me. A genuine person or friend:

·       accepts you for who you are.

·       always has your back in tough situations and is always there for you to lean on.

·       does not talk about you behind your back, or steal things from you, or lie to you - no matter how nice he or she seems.

·       makes a commitment to the relationship even when it isn’t perfect.

·       won’t betray you.

·       is always there for you.

·       will try to include you in everything.

Here are some other “detectors” to decide if someone is genuine.

1.     Listen to what a person says. A genuine friend makes you feel needed, confident and better about yourself when you are with him or her. This means encouraging you, not putting you down. Genuine friends aren’t afraid to compliment you. A real friend always is cheering for you to succeed, no matter what.

2.     A genuine friend takes the time to listen to what you have to say. If the relationship is one-sided, and the other person is always talking about his or her problems and bored when it is your time to share, then you have a problem. So notice how he or she reacts when it is your time to share. Does the person maintain eye contact or look around the room and check for cell phone messages while you are pouring out your heart? See if your friend remembers what you shared. If not, that person wasn’t listening to you. If you are always the one listening, then the relationship is definitely one-sided.

3.     If you are on the same level with your friend, you both should be open about your thoughts and feelings and keep an open dialogue. But, if you are not comfortable sharing your feelings for fear he or she will disapprove, the lines of communication aren’t open. If you feel that your friend isn’t being open with you but is with others, then, again, there is a problem with the relationship. When one of you hurts the other’s feelings, being able to express the hurt and talk through it is critical. If you are unable to express that hurt because you think you might lose the friendship, then you again have a problem.

4.     Steer away from people who are gossips. Don’t kid yourself that this person isn’t gossiping about you when you are not around.

5.     Actions speak louder than words. Does your friend make time for you no matter what? This means taking the time to make and keep appointments with you. If your friend is too busy for you, that’s a problem. Particularly if that person has time for others.

6.     The relationship should be 50//50. It should be filled with shared affection and support. This definitely means “if I scratch your back, you will scratch mine.” Did you take chicken soup to your friend when he or she was sick? Did your friend reciprocate in some way when you twisted your ankle and had to spend a week on the couch? Do you make the same effort to talk, hang out or get in touch with each other?

7.     If your friend doesn’t stick to his or her word and leaves you high and dry at times, then you have a flake, not a friend.

8.     Take the time to do some soul-searching on why the other person might want to befriend you. Does that person value you as a person or is there an ulterior motive? What might be the person’s ulterior motive? Do you provide some type of convenience for that person (like a ride to work)? Are you more popular than your friend, and you are a way into your circle of popularity?)

9.     Does your friend make you feel good about yourself? You should feel better about yourself when you are with that person.  Does the person make you laugh and feel good or feel worse about yourself? Does he or she sympathize with you over your bad decisions? Or does your friend put you down with snide comments about your actions or appearance. Which do you think is genuine? If the other person makes you less happy when you are around him or her, then you should have a problem with that individual.

10.  Does your friend express gratitude for the things you do for him or her on a regular basis? Does the person value your opinions or disregards them? This is the way to determine if your friend makes you feel valuable.

While no relationship is perfect, use these pointers as guidelines to evaluate whether another person is genuine and truly has your best interests at heart. And, don’t forget your own “gut” instinct. We often ignore it and live to regret it.

Til Next Time,
Carol

Mark and I made a promise to each other at the beginning of our relationship. "We will never go to bed angry with each other." We thought it better to stay up and duke it out than spend a sleepless night thinking about what caused it in the first place.

In our 40 years together, we've broken that rule only once. And, it was a horrible, miserable night for both of us. We re-promised to never do that again.

I read once about a husband and wife who made the same promise, and the one time they broke it ended in devastation. After years of wonderful memories together, they had an argument that escalated throughout the day.  So much so that they broke the angry-to-bed rule from which they never recovered. When the wife awoke that morning, she discovered that the love of her life had died in his sleep. She spent the ensuing years wondering if it had been their argument and failure to resolve it that caused the massive heart attack that killed him in his sleep at the age of 48.

I thank God that our one time of breaking this hard-and-fast rule didn't deny me the chance to make up with Mark and continue our long love affair.

So, for the sake of your relationship, make the promise never to go to bed angry. Then stick to it. We never know how much time life will give us together. Don't do anything that will make you live with regret.

Til Next Time,
Carol

I absolutely love this article by fellow-author, friend and associate, John Daly. How we make others feel says so much about who we are as a person. Don't you agree? John agreed to let me share his thoughts (and ultimately what I believe) with you. -Carol

I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel. -Maya Angelou

So, how do you make others feel? Do you ask them rude, none-of-their business questions? Do ignore them when they are speaking to you? Do you criticize their appearance or behavior? 

OR

Do you smile at them, repeat back what they’ve said to you, help them when they need it, and focus on the positives instead of the negatives?

If you do the latter, then you are a considerate person who makes others feel really good about themselves when they are around you.

5 Ways to Make Others Feel Great

Dale Partridge of The Daily Positive offers 5 ways to make the people around you feel great. You might say he is preaching etiquette. I say he’s being considerate of others.

·       Put Your Stuff Away – Don’t ever have your phone or computer out while in a conversation.

·       Use a Person’s Name in Conversation – This requires you remember it when they tell you

·       Ask Them to Teach you Something – Everyone has something to offer, let them shine.

·       Be Authentically Interested – Lean in, keep eye contact, and listen way more than you talk.

·       Shine the Spotlight on Them – In group settings, share someone’s talent, a good story about them, or what you like about them.

It is fairly basic behavior, but you would be amazed at how many people don’t consider how they make others feel around them. Think about it.

Words of Wisdom from the great Brian Tracy
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-PURfoGn4yw

For more about Dale Partridge, visit:
http://dalepartridge.com/make-others-feel-says-lot/#sthash.PlfD4Dlt.dpuf

John Daly is the founder and president of The Key Class, the go-to guide for job search success. To learn more about The Key Class, go to www.thekeyclass.com. To get John’s book, click The Key Class.

Follow John on Facebook at http://www.facebook.com/thekeyclass and Twitter @johnjdalyjr.

What the heck is a “snark?” 

The urban dictionary classifies “snark” as a noun that combines “snide” and “remark.” In other words, snarks are sarcastic or malicious comments. The word can also be used as an adjective, “snarky,” or an adverb, “snarkily.” For example: “Your boundless ineptitude is astounding," she snarkily declared.

I’m focused on this because a relatively good friend of mine got snarky with me the other day. That’s right! Out of the blue she attacked me with one sarcastic (almost mean) comment after another.

Stunned, I didn’t respond to any of her comments. Basically, it’s not in my nature to be mean to anyone (unless provoked with malice). I stacked it up to her having a bad day. Generally, when someone you know well attacks you for no reason, it’s more about that person than you. Normally, that person is angry about something else, and you were just the scapegoat.

I asked John Daly, my friend, author and etiquette coach, how to handle “snark attacks.” Here’s what he advised:

1. Don’t lose your cool and don’t take it personally.

2. At the first occurrence, give the benefit of the doubt – try to cheer the person up or be a good listener.

3. Focus on the person's behavior, not the person.

4. Take it away from others; suggest grabbing a cup of coffee to discuss the issue privately to clear the air. If the person refuses to take it away from others, say, “I can see how frustrated you are. Would you be willing to speak to me about it so I know how better to fulfill your expectations?” When you give angry people empathy, you take away their armor. You infer that their rude behavior is not who they truly are.

Turning the situation away from yourself and focusing on the other person’s snarky behavior is always the best bet to soothing your hurt feelings and resolving any current or future snark attacks from that person!

Til Next Time,

Carol

I read an interesting article by Dr. Judith Orloff and feel that its content important to share with you. If you have someone in your life – friend, boss, significant other or even a parent – who is a control freak, you will want to take this quiz.

• Does this person keep claiming to know what’s best for you?
• Do you typically have to do things his/her way?
• Is he so domineering that at times you feel suffocated?
• Do you feel like you’re held prisoner to this person’s rigid sense of order?
 
If you answer “yes” to 1-2 questions, it’s likely you’re dealing with a controller. Responding “yes” to all 3 suggests that a controller is violating our emotional freedom.

Use the following methods from Dr. Orloff’s best-seller, Emotional Freedom, to deal you’re your controller.

Pick Your Battles and Assert Your Needs

1. The secret to success is never try to control a controller
Speak up, but don’t tell them what to do. Be healthily assertive rather than controlling. Stay confident and refuse to play the victim. Most important, always take a consistent, targeted approach. Controllers are always looking for a power struggle, so try not to sweat the small stuff. Focus on high-priority issues that you really care about rather than bickering about putting the cap on the toothpaste.

2. Never make your self-worth dependent on them.
Don’t get caught in the trap of always trying to please your controller. Protect your sensitivity. Refrain from confiding your deepest feelings to someone who won’t cherish them.

3. Try the caring, direct approach
Use this with good friends or others who are responsive to feedback. For instance, if someone dominates conversations, sensitively say, “I appreciate your comments, but I’d like to express my opinions too.” The person may be unaware that he or she is monopolizing the discussion and will gladly change.

4. Set limits
If someone keeps telling you how to deal with something, politely say, “I value your advice, but I really want to work through this myself.” You may need to remind the controller several times, always in a kind, neutral tone. Repetition is key. Don’t expect instant miracles. Since controllers rarely give up easily, be patient. Respectfully reiterating your stance over days or weeks will slowly recondition negative communication patterns and redefine the terms of the relationship. If you reach an impasse, agree to disagree. Then make the subject off limits.

5. Size up the situation
If your boss is a controlling perfectionist--and you choose to stay--don’t keep thinking about what a rotten person he or she is or expect that person to change, Then operate within that reality check. For instance, if your boss instructs you how to complete a project, but you add a few good ideas of your own, realize this may or may not fly. If you non-defensively offer your reasoning about the additions, you’ll be more readily heard. However if your boss responds, “I didn’t say to do this. Please remove it,” you must defer because of the built-in status difference in the relationship. Putting your foot down--trying to control the controller---will only make work more stressful or get you fired.

According to Orloff, people who feel out of control tend to become controllers. Deep down, they’re afraid of falling apart, so they micromanage to bind anxiety. They might have had chaotic childhoods, alcoholic parents, or experienced early abandonment, making it hard to trust or relinquish control to others, or to a higher power. Some controllers have a machismo drive to be top dog in both business and personal matters--a mask for their feelings of inadequacy and lack of inner power. To assert territorial prowess, they may get right up in your face when they talk. Even if you take a few steps away, they’ll inch forward again into your space.

When you mindfully deal with control freaks, you can free yourself from their manipulations. Knowing how they operate will let you choose how to interact with them.

About Judith Orloff
Judith Orloff MD is a psychiatrist, intuitive healer, and NY Times bestselling author. Her latest national bestseller is The Ecstasy of Surrender: 12 Surprising Ways Letting Go Can Empower Your Life (Harmony Books, 2014). Dr. Orloff's other bestsellers are Emotional Freedom, Positive Energy, Guide to Intuitive Healing, and Second Sight. To learn more about Dr. Judith Orloff, visit: www.drjudithorloff.com

Til Next Time,

Carol

When you’ve had a misunderstanding with someone, did you ever stop to think that it might be something that you created? Could it be that you each have different perspectives on the issue at hand? Before approaching someone about the issue, think about the ways you can repair the damage. I recently read an article written by Michelle Agner, a professional blogger. In it, she offered 5 tips to repairing the damage of misunderstanding.

What is your goal?
Is it more important to gain a new understanding than to win or be proven right? Is it better to try to restore the harmony that previously existed and get back to a productive relationship? Trying to prove you are right and simply winning really doesn’t heal the relationship. Does it?

Have you examined the issue from both sides?
When you have a misunderstanding with someone, do you consider what that person’s perspective might be? Could it be different than yours? Consider taking a hard look at the other person’s perspective as well as your own. Is this person with whom you’ve had a misunderstanding a valuable person in your life? Is it important to recover the relationship?

Is it important to focus on the other person rather than yourself?
Think about the other person’s value. What does the person bring to your life and those of others? What’s going on in his or her life? Does that affect his or her perspective? Remember to consider these questions to keep the focus away from yourself and on the other person.

How does this person evaluate others?
If you want to discover another person’s perspective, look at how they judge others. This will give you a better understanding of that person. Some people evaluate others based solely on people skills and the ability to communicate well. Others judge by the ability of a person to influence others. Yet others base their judgments on the problem-solving capabilities of others. You’ll find others who judge based on outward appearance alone. Understanding how the other person judges another will help you understand his or her perspective.

Consider the other person's fears
Everyone has conscious and unconscious fears. A few fears include: criticism; failure; not getting work done on time; being taken advantage of; or not being loved or liked. Considering a person’s fears can provide insight into the misunderstanding between the two of you.

If you are struggling with issues with a friend, relative or loved one, always consider that it is a simple understanding. Before approaching him or her about it, try to sort out that person’s perspective. Once you open up to looking at it from their perspective, you will have a better chance of resolving your issues and putting the relationship back on track.

Til Next Time,

Carol

I love this blog. It was written by my dear friend and associate, Andrea Michaels. I wanted to share it with you because it is applicable not just in business but in relationships and how you deal with others. Enjoy!

I love stories. I love allegories. I love “examples.” So here’s an example for you to think about that is somewhat crass but leads into deeper thoughts, so don’t give up when you start reading.

Have you ever negotiated with a car salesman? Have you ever walked away from that negotiation knowing that you’ve “won”? That you have reached the optimal deal? Or is it an exasperating back and forth that makes you want to flee?

Many years ago, a sage associate gave me a piece of advice I’ll never forget. He said, “Put your best deal forth and then shut up. Say nothing further.” The salesman will keep talking and counter-offering, so say nothing. He will be uncomfortable and keep lowering his price. Say nothing until your goal is reached, and it will be if you keep quiet. Because the person who sits comfortably and stares at his or her “opponent” and says absolutely nothing holds the power in a negotiation.

Know Your Value and Keep Quiet
We are all accustomed to talking, and virtually talking ourselves into corners. We get defensive when we hear objections to our offerings. Take another example. When a client says, “You are expensive,” smile and say “yes.” And be comfortable with that response. You do not need to justify or defend, and you most certainly don’t need to rush into lowering your price. Know your value and keep quiet.

So what happens when you don’t talk? You listen. And by listening, you learn. Most of us deal with some degree of narcissism and thus keep talking, filling every empty space with the sound of our words, most of which are not needed. Business is not about monologues; it is about dialogues, and sharing information and communicating for mutual understanding Do you agree?

How many times have you learned what your client wanted of you or what a vendor needed from you if you were talking “at” them instead of “with” them, eagerly listening to gather information?

Silence is a beautiful thing. Pay attention to it and see what benefits it reaps.

Andrea Michaels is the founder and president of Extraordinary Events and the author of Reflections of a Successful Wallflower – Lessons in Business; Lessons in Life. She may be reached via amichaels@extraordinaryevents.net.

While reviewing my previous articles on my blog, it occurred to me that while they seem varied, they all point to one thing. I guess I’m all about how we should treat other people. My books  about unconditional love are about friendship, loyalty, trust, respect and consideration for others. Part of consideration for others is how we treat the world around us. For a deeper look, I turned to long-time close friend, John Daly, etiquette expert and president of The Key Class. John offered up some great advice on how social media missteps can haunt you forever. Take a look at what John has to say on this important topic.

Don’t Make These Social Media Missteps, Which Will Haunt You Forever
-By John Daly

Because we are either sitting in front of a computer or focused on our cell phones and not looking at others face-to-face, it is often easy to fall into what I call “social media pitfalls.” These are the habits that we fall into without thinking it through. Everything is so fast-paced these days that it is easy to fall into specific traps. What’s important to remember is that once something goes out on the Internet, i.e. social media; it is there for all the world to see. And, at some point in time, what you’ve posted may come back to haunt you, whether it is a prospective hiring manager checking you out or someone who may be interested in you personally.

The following pitfalls will leave a negative impression that you may not mean to convey. Let’s examine them:

·       Airing personal dislikes related to politics, religious beliefs, wealth vs. poverty, obesity, or eating disorders. It is best to avoid these topics.

·       Telling off-color jokes or using profanity. Doing so paints you as a rude and inconsiderate person who offends others.

·       Criticizing others about their appearance, beliefs or behavior. It is best not to criticize those who are offensive but rather defend those being criticized if you must get involved. Rule of thumb is to avoid involvement.

·       Commenting about race, sexual behavior, gambling and drinking, guns and weapons, drug use, gender-related humor or poking fun at the disabled. These are taboo.

·       Relating personal or confidential information about yourself or others, such as reporting a death in someone’s family, an illness of another, or a pregnancy, etc. Let those involved handle them. Even if you are reporting about yourself, it is best not to use social media to announce these issues. It is more appropriate to discuss them in person (or over the phone if distance is an issue) with those close to you. Once it is common knowledge, then allow discussion on social media if you so choose. 

·       Providing a blow-by-blow status of what you are eating, where you are going (on a day-to-day basis) or that you are sitting on the sofa with your significant other. No one cares and this soon becomes irritating to others.

·       Publishing photos of others, using location-based tagging, or even tagging the names of others in public updates without permission. Respect the privacy of others.

·       Using social media to rant and rave. Don’t use it to rant about the horrible customer service of a restaurant or company. Social media isn’t your own personal soapbox, and it really makes you look petty when you do so.

·       Presenting an overall negative demeanor or “voice” on social media. Don’t be like Debbie Downer on Saturday Night Live. No one likes to be brought down on a continuous basis, and you’ll find yourself “defriended” more often than not.

It is best to always convey a positive, upbeat and respectful “persona” on social media. People like to be around happy and positive.  That goes for business and life! Keep it in mind the next time you sign on!

Plus, here's a good Article Applying Social Media to Business

John Daly is the founder and president of The Key Class, the go-to guide for job search success. To learn more about The Key Class or get  information on Thursday night classes in Santa Barbara, go to www.thekeyclass.com. To get John’s book, click The Key Class.

Follow John on Facebook at http://www.facebook.com/thekeyclass and Twitter @johnjdalyjr.

My husband and I went with another couple to a bull riding contest on Sunday. That’s a story unto itself. I was relieved to learn that the owners and cowboys treat these bulls much like I treat my show horse-their care, safety and comfort is paramount. But I digress.

I found myself seated behind a very large man wearing a Stetson. The hat didn’t matter. I could still see everything. The problem arose about mid-way through the competition when the man with the Stetson stood up and remained standing. Luckily, I could see around him, but he blocked the rest of the activity for my companions seated to my left.

My girlfriend who was positioned two seats to my left called out to him. “Excuse me, sir, but would you mind sitting down? We can’t see the competition.”

He turned to her and said, “I have a sore leg and need to stretch it.” Then, he turned back to the show and remained standing.

Again, my girlfriend called out to him. “Well, would you mind standing in the aisle to the left next to the railing so that we can see the show?”

He turned to her again and gave her an “I-will-kill-you-with-my-stare” glare. His response? “I don’t want to disturb all these nice people in my row.” Was he implying we weren’t nice people? Then he turned back to the competition.

My husband Mark, who was seated to my right looked at my girlfriend and yelled, “There’s one in every crowd!” That got the man in the hat’s attention, and he turned to give Mark a withering “drop-dead” look. Mark smiled up at him.

After another five minutes or so had passed, the man in the hat sat back down. But we noticed with interest at the end of the show that his leg seemed to be fine as he hopped over the seats and scampered down the aisle to get the winner of the competition to sign his hat!

I wanted to share this example to underscore the self-absorption and lack of respect that people often have for each other. It would be a kinder, gentler place if we stopped to think about others instead of always making ourselves numero uno, don’t you think?

So next time you’re at an event, avoid being the bully who is always in every crowd!

Til next time,

Carol

Seth Godin's December 16th blog is so awesome that I had to re-post it for this week. I thought it so appropriate going into the New Year!

Seth's Words of Wisdom:

Vampires, of course, feed on something that we desperately need but also can't imagine being a source of food. You have metaphorical vampires in your life. These are people that feed on negativity, on shooting down ideas and most of all, on extinguishing your desire to make things better.

Why would someone do that? Why would they rush to respond to a heartfelt and generous blog post with a snide comment about a typo in the third line? Why would they go out of their way to fold their arms, make a grimace and destroy any hope you had for changing the status quo?

Vampires cannot be cured. They cannot be taught, they cannot learn the error of their ways. Most of all, vampires will never understand how much damage they're doing to you and your work. Pity the vampires, they are doomed to this life.

Your garlic is simple: shun them. Delete their email, turn off comments, don't read your one-star reviews. Don't attend meetings where they show up. Don't buy into the false expectation that in an organizational democracy, every voice matters. Every voice doesn't matter--only the voices that move your idea forward, that make it better, that make you better, that make it more likely you will ship work that benefits your tribe.

It's so tempting to evangelize to the vampires, to prove them wrong, to help them see how destructive they are. This is food for them, merely encouragement.

Shun the ones who feed on your failures.

To learn more about the wonderful Seth, click here.

We're taking a holiday! So see you next year!
Carol