Carol F. McKibben
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Riding Through It

There's an expression that horse trainers use whenever a client's ride becomes difficult - "Keep riding through it." I've heard it at least a hundred times while riding my horse. It's a function of good horsemanship. If you give up or get off in the midst of difficulties, you might win the battle that day but lose the war in the long run. Learning to be really good at something takes persistence and time. Such it is with life; so it is with writing.

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Relationships Are Hard

9/23/2015

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Relationships are hard because they require you to think of other people, and not just yourself. When you make a decision, you have to consider the significant other involved and how it will affect them. Seems simple, right? Then why, according to Professor Stanley at the University of Denver does a young couple marrying for the first time today have a lifetime divorce risk of 40 percent, “unless trends change significantly?”

Let’s look at the top 10 reasons couples divorce. According to life coaches Lisa L. Payne, Kim Olver, and Deborah Roth, it’s everything from money to sex and everything in-between.

After polling over 100 experts, they found that communication problems came out on top as the number one reason marriages fail. I found their analysis so complete that I wanted to share the others they attribute to an alarmingly high divorce rate in their article with you.

1. Getting in for the wrong reasons.

Marrying for money — we've all heard that that is a ticket to a quick divorce, but what about when you marry because it's what you think you should do? Many divorced women say the problems that made them leave were there right from the beginning but "everyone expected us to live happily ever after" or "we had already spent so much money on the wedding" or "we had just built our dream home." So, remember, until you say "I do," you always have the choice to say "I don't!" 


2. Lack of individual identity.

A codependent relationship is not healthy. When you don't have your own interests or the opportunity to express yourself outside of coupledom, you become "couple dumb." If you are not comfortable doing things without your partner, or you don't know what kind of music, movies, or food you used to like, you are likely in deep and you probably feel like you are drowning and don't know why. 


3. Becoming lost in the roles.

Just as many couples "forget" their single friends and single ways when they get married, when you add children into the mix, most parents soon neglect or completely forget that they are a couple. As children grow and need less attention, many husbands and wives find that they have grown apart, and they can't remember why they ever got married in the first place because they no longer have anything in common. 


4. Not having a shared vision of success.

"Everything changed when we got married!" He drives you crazy because you're a saver and he's a spender. Your idea of a weekend getaway is a cozy cottage in the woods; your partner wants to the hit the town and catch a game. He thinks it's your job to cook and clean, but you disagree.


Why didn't he mention these things before? Maybe you should have asked. Chances are that he hasn't changed — your expectations did. Is it possible to survive major differences in philosophy? It is possible, but many do not. 

5. The intimacy disappears.

Somewhere in a marriage there is a subtle change in the intimacy department. One person has an off day, there is a misunderstanding or someone doesn't feel well. Then there's the idea that he isn't as romantic or she isn't as sexual. Whoever is the one with the subtle change can trigger a downward spiral in the intimacy department. Men generally need sexual receptivity to feel romantic and women generally need romance to be sexually receptive. As long as both people are getting what they need, they willingly provide what the other person wants. However, when there is a lessening on either's part, that can trigger a pulling back in the other. If gone unnoticed and unchecked, before the couple realizes, they are seriously intimately estranged and wonder what happened. This can lead to divorce as couples begin to feel unloved and unappreciated. 


6. Unmet expectations.

Somewhere written into a human's genetic code lie the instruction that when a person isn't happy, he or she is supposed to force his/her significant to make the changes required to make the unhappy person happy again. This usually takes the form of complaining, blaming, criticizing, nagging, threatening, punishing and/or bribing. When one or both people in the marriage are attempting to coerce each other into doing things they don't want to do for their partner's happiness, it is a recipe for disaster. When you are unhappy in a relationship, it's okay to ask for the change you want. But, if your partner doesn't oblige you, then you become responsible for your own happiness. 


7. Finances.

It's not usually the lack of finances that causes the divorce, but the lack of compatibility in the financial arena. Opposites can attract but when two people are opposites in the financial department, divorce often ensues. Imagine the conflict if one is a saver and one is a spender. One is focused on the future while the other believes in living for today. One has no problem buying on credit, while the other believes in saving up for what one wants. Over time, this conflict can reach such heights that divorce seems to be the only logical conclusion. 


8. Being out of touch ... literally.

I'm talking about physical contact. Not just sex, but you also need to supplement it with little hello and goodbye kisses, impromptu hugs and simply holding hands. Couples who don't maintain an intimate connection through both sexual and non-sexual actions are destined to become virtual strangers. 


9. Different priorities and interests.

Having shared interests and exploring them together is essential for a successful marriage. Of course, having "me time" is important as well, but unless you can find common passions and look for ways to experience them together, you'll imevitably grow farther and farther apart.  


10. Inability to resolve conflicts.

Every couple has disagreements. The key is to develop ground rules so that each partner feels respected and heard. Sometimes it takes a third party "referee" to help define those rules and teach us to move through the charged emotions so resentments don't linger.  


I think it important for everyone to have access to this information because if you realize the causes and can look at your own relationships, you just might love your significant others enough to make a change to save them. It’s that unconditional love thing again, right?

Til Next Time,

Carol

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Do or Do Not ... There Is No Try

9/17/2015

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I wrote this piece on February 6, 2013, 32 months ago. When I think about how that single realization changed my life, I just had to share it again. I know that many people look at blog articles and just thing, "Yeah, right" and just forget about it. But this is something you shouldn't forget about. IT'S ALL IN YOUR HEADS, PEOPLE! What the heck is "IT?" EVERYTHING! Everything that you strive for, everything that you think you can and can't do. The only thing holding you back is your mind itself. Believe you can do it - do anything - and you  can. Re-read this, or, if you are seeing it for the first time, take it to heart. 

" Do or do not ... There is no try." Famous words from Yoda of Star Wars fame. I used to think I knew what that meant until I had my Listerine moment. What the heck is a Listerine moment, you ask?

I’ve always struggled opening “child-proof” Listerine bottle tops…or any bottle top for that matter. I’ve harbored this perception that I'm a physically weak person, until two months ago. I believed that I couldn’t get any jar or bottle open or safely pick up heavy items. To make matters worse, I’ve been a classical dressage rider for 14 years. That’s where the rider literally “dances” with the horse. It takes a lot of strength to sit up there and, through subtle movements, make a 1,300-pound horse do whatever you ask. And, in some instances, the strength difficulty factor blocked me from progressing.

So what happened to change that?

Simple, I had my Listerine moment. I was standing at the bathroom sink staring at the Listerine bottle. I took a deep breath, grabbed the top, pushed in the tabs on each side and twisted. Nothing. Suddenly it hit me. I’m trying, not doing. I can do this. Push past the initial resistance and open the damn bottle.

I shook my head and took a step backward. Then I marched forward, picked up the bottle, pushed and twisted the cap and off it came! The light bulbs exploded in my head. My mind had been holding my body back.

It didn’t stop there. I applied it to everything I’ve been doing. Those difficult dressage movements were mastered. Peanut butter jars were a piece of cake. I picked up heavy-duty items I had often not even attempted. The list goes on.

While my Listerine moment was applicable to my physical strength, yours might be something different. A project you can’t push through? Something you’ve always wanted to try but been afraid to attempt? Meeting that special person?

Whatever it is, just remember this simple rule: You can if you believe you can! 

Until next time!
Carol

P.S. Since this moment, I have progressed leaps and bounds in my riding. I've written another book two books (making it four so far) and I continue to be physically strong. Oh, I have my momentary back slides. The difference is that I kick myself in the butt and get up and keep going because I KNOW I can!


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A Synapse Moment

9/10/2015

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That's my granddaughter Lauren in the middle, next to her husband Chris and her best friend to the left. If you've read my blog, you probably remember that I've written about her before. She's beautiful, isn't she. And, both inside and out. So, why am I writing about her today?

She called me last night to invite Mark and I to her premiere. She has a nice role in an upcoming movie called Synapse. It's a Sc-Fi Thriller, and I can't wait to see it, and her in it! You are probably wondering why I am sharing this on my blog, and that I'm just a proud grandparent with her brag book out.

I am proud of her, but that's not why I'm sharing this. You see, she graduated from USC with a degree in drama and communications. She started being on a stage and performing for people when she was about five years old. So, being an actress has always been a big dream. But, like a lot of hopefuls, she didn't just sit around. Oh, she went to a lot of auditions, but in the meantime, she went to work for a major studio. Then, she started working in sales to support herself. And, on top of it, she is getting her certification as a personal trainer (something else to fall back on.)

My point is that she is someone to be admired for her hard work, tenacity and self-reliance. In this world where so many people hold out their hands feeling like the world owes them a living, Lauren is just a shining example of those of us who are willing to do what it takes to capture our dreams.

We all hope that this movie will be a big break for her, but she's a realist. I like her attitude. She's just moving forward with reality while pursuing her dream. That's a kind of unconditional love of self. Pride in self.

You know, I've been saying all along that you have to love yourself unconditionally before you can love anyone else. I think Chris and all of Lauren's "people" can tell  you that they feel her unconditional love, every second of the day.

Shouldn't we all strive for that?

Til Next Time,
Carol
P.S. Here's the link to the
movie trailer for Synapse. Lauren is the woman in the first 10 seconds of it!
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It Is Finally Here...

9/2/2015

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I had to laugh. I was at a horse show last weekend and told my friends that the second in my Snow Blood Series would be out this past Tuesday. They all looked at me and said, "You just are cranking them out!"Cranking them out? It's taken me a year to write and get this baby published! It was tons of hard work. Don't get me wrong, I love writing. I love it even better when people read it and give it 5 Stars as they are currently doing on Amazon! But, I guess it's all in your perspective.To me, riding a correct third level test  with my horse at a show is hard work! But, to my trainer, even though it is hard work for her (even at the higher levels), she does it so well that she looks like she's just cranking out one good score after another! Do you catch my drift?For those of you who write, you know what I mean. For those of you who love to read, please know that every author toils, bleeds, sweats over his or her novel. So when you read it, whether you hold the book or the Kindle device in your hands or view it on your computer,  know that you are looking at a labor of love. And in keeping with that, please enjoy an excerpt from Snow Blood: A Vampire Mystery Thriller Season 2.

Go to http://www.amazon.com/Snow-Blood-Vampire-Mystery-Thriller-ebook/dp/B014LHRNMK/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1441218567&sr=8-2&keywords=snow+blood+season+2. Then click "Look Inside" on the book cover! Hope you enjoy reading it as much as I did writing it!

Til Next Time!
Carol



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