Three couples got married on June 26, 2005 at 11:00 a.m. in three different cities - Boston, Chicago and Los Angeles. They never met or interacted, yet their circumstances were eerily alike.

Ben and Marilyn
Ben and Marilyn met and fell in love in Boston. They promised to love each other in sickness and in health for as long as they both lived. Five years of blissful love passed. Ben managed a real estate firm with his dad, and Marilyn was a second grade school teacher. They loved each other beyond reason, but try as they might, they were unable to have the children they both so desperately wanted.  Going from doctor to doctor, Marilyn soon discovered she had ovarian cancer. Ben was devastated and took a leave from work to be by Marilyn's side through all the surgery, chemotherapy and pain through which she suffered. After a year of unending illness, Ben found it increasingly difficult to witness Marilyn's pain. So, he hired a live-in nurse to take care of Marilyn so that he could return to work. The nurse made it possible for him to spend long hours making up for lost time at work. He felt empty inside and longed to have the Marilyn he loved back in his life. Not the bald, critically ill woman who spent half her time being angry or ill. He soon started to notice the new, young employee that his dad had hired to help out around the office in Ben's absence, but he fought against the attraction.

Marilyn's illness worsened. The cancer was winning, and Ben couldn't bear it. Soon, he began to flirt with the young woman in his office. That led to drinks and dinner and finally an affair. It took his mind away from what he had lost and the anger he felt at Marilyn for getting sick. He knew it was unreasonable, but he couldn't help himself. As Marilyn worsened, Ben spent more time away from home. He was with his new mistress when Marilyn passed away with only her nurse and her parents by her side. And, when Ben learned of Marilyn's passing, he only felt relief and sorrow for himself.

Sam and Jane
Sam and Jane met and fell in love in Chicago. They promised to love each other in sickness and in health for as long as they both lived. Six years of being in love brought them closer and closer together. Even though Sam traveled for work as a pharmaceutical rep while Jane kept the home fires burning, the short separations only increased their desire to be together. When they decided it was time to have children, they both went in for tests to ensure they were both able to do so. It was during that time that her doctor discovered Jane had breast cancer. It was aggressive, and Jane was immediately scheduled for surgery. A complete mastectomy and chemotherapy and radiation followed. Sam hadn't handled the diagnosis or the treatment well. How could his beautiful Jane not be the perfect woman of his dreams? His road trips increased in frequency and duration, often leaving Jane's parents to care for her.

After a year of treatment, tests showed that the cancer had spread to Jane's bones, and the diagnosis was bleak.  Tortured by the diagnosis, Sam went out on a bender that night, leaving Jane to be consoled by her parents. When he returned home, Jane confronted him. She was afraid and alone and facing death. She knew when she looked into Sam's eyes that he was lost to her. "I can't stand to see you like this, Jane. The pain ... your beautiful body ruined ... this is too much for me to take."

Jane came to a decision in that moment. "If you can't be here for me as you promised at our wedding, then it is best that you leave now. If you can't love me for who I am now, then I don't want you here while I am dying."

Sam's only response was to nod his head, pack his bags and disappear. Jane died a month later surrounded by her loving parents.

Brad and Monica
Brad and Monica met and fell in love in Los Angeles. Brad was a set designer and Monica a production assistant at the same company. They promised to love each other in sickness and in health for as long as they both lived. After four years of marriage, they decided it was time to have children. Brad's career was going well, and he wanted Monica to stay home with the children they had both always wanted. They spent time traveling to romantic settings the following year, hoping it would result in pregnancy. When it didn't, they both went in to get tested. It was then that Monica was diagnosed with cervical cancer. They were both devastated to learn that not only did Monica have cancer but that the chances of her having children after the disease were extremely slim. But, they both faced it with a positive outlook. They would get through it all and adopt.

Instead of focusing on being angry about Monica's diagnosis, Brad became her biggest cheerleader. Sure, there were tough times, but working together they got through them. Brad balanced working and taking care of Monica beautifully. His energy was concentrated on getting her back to health. After 18 months of being cancer-free, adoption and their love for each other are their highest priorities.

Monica suffered just as much as Marilyn and Jane, but she had something neither of them had. She had Brad. His positive energy and unconditional love got her through the treatment, kept her positive and resulted in her being diagnosed cancer-free. It's amazing what the power of true unconditional love can do for another person.

Did Marilyn and Jane die because their husbands didn't love them unconditionally? Probably not, but don't you think that Ben and Sam would be able to live with themselves more easily if they had stuck by the women they promised to love until death?

Til Next Time,
Carol

I have written two books about it. Three if you count loving yourself unconditionally. I keep trying to show you what it is through the unselfish actions of the heroes (Luke’s Tale and Snow Blood) of my novels. And, in the case of Riding Through It, by learning to love yourself.

But, let me try to express it plainly. People often say to me that they think it means loving someone more than you love yourself. Perhaps that is true to an extent. But it is important to realize that loving yourself unconditionally plays a part in it as well.

Love Is an Action
First of all, love isn’t a feeling. It’s an action. When another person makes us feel a certain way, and then we stop getting that feeling, we change our behavior toward them. When we change our behavior to receive love, that love becomes conditional. The reward then becomes the feeling you get because you acted in a certain way for another person just to get the reward, the feeling. Some of us keep up this behavior just to get the reward – that feeling of being loved.  The other person has now put a “condition” on you so that you receive that feeling of love. Like Pavlov’s dog, you have been conditioned to behave in a certain way to receive the other person’s love.

Unconditional Love Involves the Most Loving Thing You Can Do for a Person in a Specific Moment
Unconditional love has no strict rules. It’s different for everyone. What you do for another person has to be determined on a case-by-case basis. It doesn’t mean shielding someone from pain because pain and diversity foster growth. Loving someone blindly, satisfying their every need and want or preventing them from experiencing pain doesn’t mean you are giving them unconditional love. This will only prevent them from growing as human beings.  Just consider the kindest, most loving thing you can do for another in that moment in time. If it is give the person space to be alone, then do so. If it is to sit with the person, hold hands and say nothing until he or she is ready to talk, then do so. If it is to get that person help because he or she is in trouble (even though that help may mean tough love at the moment), then do so. Just understand that you don’t want to put “conditions” on that person. (If you do this, then I will continue to love you.)

Unconditional Love Should Be Given Freely to Everyone, Especially Yourself.
That means that there will be times where loving yourself unconditionally and doing what is best for you will occasionally put you out of step with another.  (This goes back to not having conditions placed on yourself in order to be loved.)

“Love Means Never Having to Say You Are Sorry.” – Erich Segall
Famous words from a best-selling book and movie. While I think we should all apologize when we hurt someone else, it is best to let go of resentment and anger when someone causes us pain, even if the offending person doesn’t apologize. Being willing to forgive a mistake does not mean that you should let people walk all over you. How you act toward the offending person might vary, but your ability to love them unconditionally will become difficult if you hold on to negatives.

 The More You Love Unconditionally, the Easier it Becomes
When you do consciously provide unconditional love to another, you will feel positive and energized, not burdened. Think of it as being a good friend which in turn will make you feel better about yourself and encourage you to maintain that behavior unconsciously.

Til Next Time,
Carol

The other morning, I was working with my dressage trainer on how to perfect a specific third-level movement. The tips and techniques she was giving me were invaluable. I stopped and looked her square in the face and said, "You should write a book."

"I know!" She responded. "I have so much to share, and I really want to write a book. But, I don't know how to get started."

Ah, now she was in my wheelhouse. So, I gave her advice on what she should do to get things rolling.

Most people don't know how to get the process started. They have the ideas and the expertise, but go into a tailspin on how to start. My methodology works whether you write non-fiction or fiction. But, because writing fiction (which means understanding how to develop characters, a storyline and dialogue) is so different from non-fiction, I would advise anyone wanting to write a novel to take classes. Writer's Market offers some good online classes as well. There are others; just do a Google Search for writing fiction. So for the purposes of this article, I'm going to focus on non-fiction which requires a level of expertise in a specific area, such as my trainer has.

         How To Get Started

• For a month or so, jot down your ideas for your book as they come to you. Use the notebook or record function on your cell phone,  or carry a small spiral pad and pen, and pause when you have a thought and record it.
• Take as long as you need to gather ideas. Don't rush the process.
• If your schedule doesn't allow you to stop during the day and jot down your thoughts, take 20 minutes at the beginning of  your day over your first cup of coffee and record your thoughts. They don't need to be in any particular order, just as they come to you.
• When you feel you have exhausted your ideas, go to the next step.
  
  Organize Your Thoughts
  
  • Set aside 30 minutes per day to organize your thoughts.
  • Go through your notes and start logically grouping and sequencing them.
  • Each group should equal a chapter of your book.
  • Organize what logically should go from first to last.
  • Create a logical outline for each chapter. Mmake sure that the sequence of your total outline flows in logical order.
  
  Start Writing
  
  • Schedule out a time every day to write, even if it is only 30 minutes. I recommend at least an hour daily.
  • Follow your outline and just start writing out your thoughts.
  • Don't worry about grammar, spelling and punctuation. Just get everything down.
  • Read it to make sure that you haven't omitted important parts.
  • Now go back and polish it. Wordsmith it, clean up the grammar and spelling.
  • Tweak it until you think you have included all the details or story sequences.
  • Focus on making it a fun, interesting read.
  • Contact and negotiate with a professional editor to go through it with a fine-tooth comb.
  • Be aware that you shouldn't just expect to give it to an editor to proofread. What you need is an editor who can comment on content (and suggest what needs to be added to make it better) AND your writing style. You need an honest evaluation; not just someone who thinks everything you do is wonderful.
  
  The Editorial Process
  
  • Plan on two or three rounds of editing. The first round will be filled with tons of comments on how to more fully develop the book. (Don't be surprised.) My editor always has me write more than I originally do!
  • After you've more fully developed the book content, send it back for round two. You'll find lots of sentence structure and wordsmithing suggestions in this round.  Most likely, you'll be asked to write even more detail.
  • Once you have gone through the edits on round two, send it back for a final tweaking. If you are anything like me, the first book required SEVEN rounds. All subsequent books have taken three rounds.
    
    
  Now the Real Work Begins
  
  I have to share a funny story. A friend of mine keeps threatening to write a book. His comment, with tongue in cheek, is: "I'll write it over the weekend; you can edit it on Monday, and we'll get it published on Tuesday. By Friday, we should have sold a million copies!" Right! If only. If you aren't Stephen King, Dan Brown, James Patterson or Dean Koontz, forget about it!
  
  Plan on it taking you six months to a year or longer to get the book written, particularly if you have a full-time job! The actual publishing process always takes longer than you anticipate. Realize several facts: 1) the hardest part of writing a book is finding an agent and/or a publisher and getting published; 2) deciding whether you want to go that traditional route or be self-published; 3) and marketing the book after it's published. Numbers 1-3 are much harder than actually writing the book. Oh, and did I mention that you shouldn't plan on getting rich either?
  
  And, I'll leave that for another day!
  
  Til Next Time,
  Carol
  

When you’ve had a misunderstanding with someone, did you ever stop to think that it might be something that you created? Could it be that you each have different perspectives on the issue at hand? Before approaching someone about the issue, think about the ways you can repair the damage. I recently read an article written by Michelle Agner, a professional blogger. In it, she offered 5 tips to repairing the damage of misunderstanding.

What is your goal?
Is it more important to gain a new understanding than to win or be proven right? Is it better to try to restore the harmony that previously existed and get back to a productive relationship? Trying to prove you are right and simply winning really doesn’t heal the relationship. Does it?

Have you examined the issue from both sides?
When you have a misunderstanding with someone, do you consider what that person’s perspective might be? Could it be different than yours? Consider taking a hard look at the other person’s perspective as well as your own. Is this person with whom you’ve had a misunderstanding a valuable person in your life? Is it important to recover the relationship?

Is it important to focus on the other person rather than yourself?
Think about the other person’s value. What does the person bring to your life and those of others? What’s going on in his or her life? Does that affect his or her perspective? Remember to consider these questions to keep the focus away from yourself and on the other person.

How does this person evaluate others?
If you want to discover another person’s perspective, look at how they judge others. This will give you a better understanding of that person. Some people evaluate others based solely on people skills and the ability to communicate well. Others judge by the ability of a person to influence others. Yet others base their judgments on the problem-solving capabilities of others. You’ll find others who judge based on outward appearance alone. Understanding how the other person judges another will help you understand his or her perspective.

Consider the other person's fears
Everyone has conscious and unconscious fears. A few fears include: criticism; failure; not getting work done on time; being taken advantage of; or not being loved or liked. Considering a person’s fears can provide insight into the misunderstanding between the two of you.

If you are struggling with issues with a friend, relative or loved one, always consider that it is a simple understanding. Before approaching him or her about it, try to sort out that person’s perspective. Once you open up to looking at it from their perspective, you will have a better chance of resolving your issues and putting the relationship back on track.

Til Next Time,

Carol